On Loneliness

As always, a quick disclaimer- any time I choose to share my thoughts through this blog you can be assured that they’re deeply personal to me.  I share because I believe it is very good to give voice to those parts of us which are often kept from the light due to whatever.  In today’s world, with all its complex gloriousness, I believe that it is more important than ever to be able to let the cracks show, so that others know that they are not alone.  So please don’t be nasty here – it’s a place of gentleness and understanding. Okidokey – onwards…

Today I’m asking myself if loneliness is a state of mind or if it is something that is unavoidable? Is it something I can be mindful of, diverting away when I sense the dark spiral descending, or is it a burden which I simply have to bear? Is it a choice? (Albeit one made without consciousness, because who in their right mind would choose this?)

There, ladies and gents, I believe we have hit the nail on the head.  Who indeed, in their right mind would choose loneliness? The operative words being “right mind”.

When I am depressed, recovering from depression, anxious, panicked, whatever, then loneliness is a familiar companion; a very reliable, kind of with-you-for-the-long-haul-won’t-let-you-down companion. The bastard.

My mental illness isolates me, and the dark spiral magnifies the isolation.  Importantly, it is a place that I know intimately.

So that tells me that the feelings of isolation and loneliness may be a product of the negative self talk that I am oh so good at. If I tell myself that I am so alone, that no one cares, that I have to be strong because no one is going to be there for me, then yes, I can see how I would come to believe this to be true in my heart of hearts. (I do this often…)

If I tell myself constantly that everyone else has wonderful friends and marvellous lives without moments of despair or isolation, then I can see how this filter will descent to colour my world, making it true for me.  (I also do this often…)

You see, the rational part of me knows that 1) I have many, gorgeous friends who must care about me and 2) I don’t particularly connect with them frequently either for a multitude of reasons. Then the other part of me, the one which is most dominant in dark moments, tells me that they evidently do not love me as much as I love them because they never bloody make any effort do they? This of course, must be because they don’t need me since they have a full and connected life in the absence of my presence and so on and so on.  It’s the perfect victim speech let me tell you, and boy I am a convincing story teller to myself! Oh woe! Oh woe is me!

The loneliness is a very real thing. I miss my friends with all of my heart and I find the isolation of this village very difficult to cope with, but I recognise that somewhere along the way the grief has morphed into the most dangerous and miserable story of victimisation.

So how to reverse the flow, to create the momentum towards the upward spiral, away from the dart? Well I think this, right here, is a very important place to start; acknowledgement, truth, readiness to look through a mindful and honest lens, with compassion and understanding at what is happening in my mind right now.  I think that only then can moving upward begin.  But first, a cup of tea!