The Not Good Times

Here’s the thing – I am not having a “good” year. I’m not. That’s not to say that on the surface things aren’t peachy – they are. On the surface everything looks just great.

However, a few millimetres below that, things are not just peachy. That’s pretty much it. Not a good year.

I have been consumed with doubt about so many things. I’m struggling with relationships around me and with myself, feeling conflicted about so many things. Then there has been so much sadness, and what I can only assume is grief about all sorts of things, loneliness and many tears. I don’t list these things in the hopes of sympathy, empathy or any solution. I list them simply because they are real and they are felt daily and they exist mostly in secret, just millimetres from the surface.

It’s tough, not one day goes by that I’m not searching for a “solution” or a way to help myself or make things better. I am constantly trying to find ways to try to make this hardness go away. I do not roll over easily… Then recently, in what were probably the very best of intentions, someone made a comment about how all of this is affecting me and they linked it to my sense of self worth.

It sure as hell touched a nerve. It both infuriated me and made me feel inside out and, besides the complete and utter inappropriateness of it, and once I had spent a long time writing down swear words joined up by other words, I realised this – This. Is. Where. I. Am.

Cue a moment of instant calm amongst the turbulent emotions. Sweet and utter relief. The realisation that sometimes things are just hard. Sometimes, the least helpful thing I can do is to look for a solution or figure things out. Fighting it bypasses the instance of self acceptance that is the ultimate essence of compassion. Besides, what the fuck is so wrong with having a hard time? Are we not allowed a few months of less than average to good times? When did it become compulsory to feel bloody delighted all the time?

Please do not misunderstand, I fully appreciate that people have the very best of intentions when they’re trying to move you on from the hardness through sympathy and helpful suggestions. They clearly empathise with the hardness and wish it wasn’t so for you. But sometimes there is sweet F.A. that can be done apart from sit back, accept that shit happens, you feel like shit, you probably look like shit, you’re most likely quite difficult to be around because of all the shit that you’re dealing with and such is life. It is, plainly, where you are at for now, so sit back and relax about it. Fighting it is only going to take out of you what you need to deal with all the rubbish going on. Life will move on from this hard place, it has to.

PS it is totally fine to absolutely fucking hate that that is where you are. It is a pile of doo after all.

PPS: It’s also fine to want to tell everyone who just doesn’t get it to do one.

PPPS: It is not fine to post anything trying to remotely helpful or resembling advice in response to this. It is highly likely to incur the response of above.