A small aside on being one of the Divorced Club

I’ve just been reading Jen Louden’s account of being divorced over on her site and her Choose your Life Monday’s post.

Whenever I read about other people’s accounts of being divorced a great big, “Me too!” fills my heart and my eyes well with tears, as I recognise that I’m not alone in my experience, even if my experience differs.

Jen writes, “What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends” and she accounts for the sadness that sometimes swamps her over.

Until this moment I did not recognise this in myself.

I’ve recently been swamped by sadness over a relationship that ended and it has confused me utterly.

Whilst I’ve allowed that confusion to be there and work its way to the surface quite happily without moving to fix it and I’ve journalled madly about it and had some astounding, as ever, insights about the whys and wherefores of the sad, reading Jen’s post woke a bit of recognition in me.

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to stop pretending that really it was nothing big. (I am so good at this that my friends forget that I am divorced).

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to validate the very real pain of ending a marriage and let myself feel that without being afraid of being utterly overcome by it.

I may one day be able to cradle those lost dreams with tenderness and some distance, rather than just feeling the pain of “those are my dreams down the pan and I wonder if I’ll ever, ever get a second chance?”

Perhaps one day I’ll remember that it’s okay to feel this way even if there were no children involved and no big kerfuffle in the course of being divorced.

A smooth transaction does not necessarily mean a painless one.

I’m making such a life for myself as a singleton you would not believe, I will never doubt that I did the right thing, but still…

There is pain and until I’m ready to accept that pain for what it is, I’m going to let it be okay for smaller, more everyday things hold up the mirror to the process and let them take the blame.

Because that’s okay too.

I might go away and have a little cry too, just for now.


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Clothes! Hats! Men Dressing Up! Oh, Handbags and Hairstyles – it’s all happening here.

There is much whizzing about my wee brain currently and as things are coming to close on this project.

I’m trying to think of new things to do which will bring in some cold hard cash in the absence of another Quantity Surveying position.

I’d like it, whatever it is, to bring in enough money to get me through university, pay my rent and bills and to allow me to live comfortably.

By living comfortably I mean going on the holidays I’ve planned with my friends, buying things that delight me, buying things that entertain me, spending time with my friends dong social things, and so on.

My thoughts have taken a turn towards sewing, which is really quite scary for me because you see, sewing was my original dream.

I was 16, I had no business know how whatsoever, but I was a demon with a sewing machine. Therefore, I was going to become a designer.

Look, I’m training to be a QS- obviously I did not become a haute couture designer.

So I’m scared of entertaining these thoughts, because what if it all goes wrong again and once more I’m left cleaning the egg off my face?

But my explorations have taken me to some delightful places and I want to share them with you.

Handbags!

Handbags galore.

Such gorgeous patterns and accessories, I really, really want to get into making handbags. Especially the ones on this site.

A man! Who talks about clothes! With passion!

I heart.

Send your gentlemen friends here should they be required to look oh so spiffing and handsome.

Oh yes! I love a man who explains to other men when dressing up for an occasion, “that the reason men’s evening attire is either black or midnight blue is to provide a backdrop against which your lady can shine.”

The site itself is not so great in layout and looks, but oh! It is fun to think of all that dressing up.

Moving on…

Ball gowns!

I am making this one for my housemate for her Christmas Ball. It’s a Vogue Pattern and you can find it here.


And you shall go to the ball Cinderella.

I think I shall get her to model it for me when it is done.

I’m really rather excited.

It’s Autumn! That means Hats!

Cloche hats more importantly.

I look cuteasabutton in cloche hats and I just love, love, love this one from M&S


Och! It’s just too gorgeous.

I’m hoping a fairy or a pink fish might give it to me for my birthday. Who knows?! I can see us being very happy together, especially when teamed with a scarf and gloves and a coat of equal gorgeousness.

Similarly they have this one which would be just perfect for my upcoming trip to India. I can picture it with long white linen trousers and a halter neck top.

Hairstyles! To go with the Hats!

I’m inspired by Holby City.

Dr Valentine in particular:


Whilst not a million miles away from my current hairstyle, her fringe is different – shorter and straighter, not swept off to the side.

More twenties – Me Lika.

Goes with the cloche style hats for sure.

I’m considering copying her.

She did heart surgery last night. Perhaps if I have her hairstyle I can do heart surgery.

Or star in a drama where I can pretend to do heart surgery.

You know I’m joking right – right?!

That’s it for today.

Have you been inspired recently? Tell me more…

You’re Invited!

It is 3am, I can’t sleep and I’m throwing myself a pity party.

I have hot chocolate, ginger beer and am considering gorging on rhubarb cake with double cream (but I may wait until I am feeling a little peckish before making myself feel sick!) and shopping channels on quietly in the background to keep me company.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t allow myself the time to get up, make a drink and give my thoughts free range as I would be worrying about getting some sleep in order to function tomorrow, but as it is the weekend some of the pressure is off.

So what’s this all about?

In all honesty, I am not sure.

Permission…

Acknowledgement…

Validity…

All three?

Perhaps.

Most of all it is about sharing, because it is easy, when writing to present the hard as something easily and quickly moved through.

To assume that confidence is easily obtained by a decision made and then instantly implemented as if by the wave of a wand…

What then when you’re sitting there thinking, “WAAAAH, Why me??!!”

Well, in all actuality I think you are entitled to it, it is a valid process and necessary.

Trying to gloss over, deny the feelings or force past them, in my experience, is only going make them louder.

Here’s my story

I started back at university today. We have changed universities this year, essentially upgrading our course to one with content that we are happy with.

So, something new and exciting, positive and wonderful? Yes! I loved it.

But, with anything new there is a part which is threatened.

First off, it’s in Bristol.

What’s wrong with Bristol? You ask.

Nothing… it is a great city with a vibrant buzz and lots of bicycles and joggers. It is also a city with history for me, history which is a little raw.

Driving there, knowing there was absolutely no chance of running into that history today did not stop the butterflies in my tummy and the need to take deep breaths and of course, it was just there…on my mind, at the back of things, wondering…

As we dashed from lecture to lecture, in between trying to register (we’ve both bucked the system this year and applied late, ensuring certain chaos with the process -great stuff), growing ever more weary I found myself struggling to keep my chin up as my thoughts graduated from, “It’s my first day, yay! New friends, new people, new course!” to, “No one’s going to want to know me. Holy cow there’s a lot of work involved and goodness, everyone is so young here. Yikes! Some of these people are ten years younger than me. Aaaargh, that’s it, I’m no longer young. I’m barely even youngish anymore. It’s all a disaster yada yada.”

Until we find ourselves here, middle of the night with our brain ticking over and over and over and over again.

Common practice

Traditionally, I think it is tempting to not allow these thoughts the time of day.

We tell ourselves to buck up and get on, that it is ridiculous to entertain this self pity and that of course it is not the case that no one is going to love you.

Traditional for me at least!

However, I’m also learning that self acceptance really is about accepting all facets of myself and that includes the part of me that throws a strop and dramatically refuses to go back to sleep because everything is a disaster.

Asking myself what it is that I need during this time I come to understand that what it is I am after is acknowledgement.

For it to be safe to say that is has been hard over the past two years, and most especially the last few months as well as positive change.

I have grown in all directions, expanding my confidence in myself and learning about myself in an intense way whilst releasing so much and changing patterns dramatically.

So amazingly positive.

So bloody hard.

All I want from myself is permission to stop and catch my breath.

Yes, the view from here is lovely and well worth the climb, yes I’m fit enough to make the climb, but the climb was still a climb and required me to be fit and to expend myself to get to the top.

I’d like some acknowledgement that I’ve done well to meet this challenge with such proficiency.

My message to myself:

Is this:

“Hi honey, you did so well today! All that newness and apprehension – you completely took it in your stride and dealt with it beautifully – no drama – which means that this listening to yourself thingy really is working and you could enjoy your day. Thank you for giving yourself permission to be scared and anxious and still move forward, thank you for listening and giving yourself permission to feel all this “stuff” that has come up tonight. You did brilliantly today, we did brilliantly, I did brilliantly – thank you.”

 

Ahhh, it’s all good like J