Friday’s Poem

Here’s something I made up earlier.

Simple – like me J

Probably horrific but hey hey – this is my blog after all! Mwah hahahaha!

Memories:

Looks like

I’m going to be missing you for a while.

Finding a “New Normal”

Through the memories

Flooding through

My mind’s eye.

Wishing mostly

That I could be done

With Remembering

With Crying

With Yearning

With Wondering

Remembering and finding

Much love

In the comfort of the every day

And Old Friends who stick around

Trying to

Gracefully Surrender

It ain’t so easy!

Biggification – it’s not just for business you know

Havi writes about Biggification and your Right People in a big way (ho ho – see what I did there?).

Normally I read along (because I’m addicted to Havi – seriously… addicted), nod and think, “Well that’s very nice and very true, but I’m not self employed so it’s not really applicable to me.”

Cue the DOH! Moment, which unleashed itself on me over the last few days as I realize just how wrong I have been.

Basically, I understand the concept to be:

Biggification = essential to enabling your Right People to find you.

This is easy to apply to business – right people are your ideal customers etc, etc. Yup. Got that but…

What if…Right People = friends and Biggification = letting your good stuff out with a whammy, rather than that nasty m related word.

The DOH! Moment came because I’ve been thinking that really, I’m a bit tired of raking over the fears and the stuckness and basically “what’s wrong” with me.

Jeez – I am always going to be scared of something. ALWAYS. Because fear is a basic survival thingy and I’m fond of surviving.

A friend recently wrote to me with a very insightful comment about being a loving and generous person but not expecting the same thing back.

Spot. On.

So I then got thinking about letting myself get love back and that led me onto the concept of maybe expressing myself better and yada yada.

Goodness, this seems so basic to me… now.

I’m guilty of keeping myself very wrapped up – I am a Scorpio after all.

I love people, I love getting to know them. I am scared shitless of them getting to know me – because they might laugh or something.

But over the last few days I’ve really practiced letting go of all that self protection and letting people in to a difficult process for me.

Instead of making believe all is fine, I’ve admitted to feeling rubbish and I’ve even said what’s happening to make me feel so rubbish. I’ve shared what I’m doing to process and shift the Hard, even the really “woo- woo” stuff.

I’ve realized that I like people getting to know me and letting people in. It brings a very powerful appreciation for who they are and what they are giving me by listening and caring and um, they don’t think I’m a bit distant and possibly stuck up. Or taking them for granted.

Oh.

So where to now? (ahem, excuse the very Welsh turn of phrase)

I’d like to start exploring and appreciating who I am. Things like,

“Thinking, exploring, analyzing and recognizing patterns are very much a part of me. Yes, this is why I am always looking for the root of what is going on in my life. It does make me intense, but it also lends me an exceptional ability to interpret a contract or get to the bottom of a problem at work. It has both spiritual/ personal benefits and professional benefits.”

Ah- it is in fact, part of what makes me good at my job then.

Oh. OH.

Or figuring out that actually – when I let people see parts of me I usually keep hidden (NOT my knickers… sigh), such as my beliefs or how much I care about them I usually end up with the most amazing friends.

Like my friend Kath, who apart from being just marvelous anyway, got all delighted when I admitted I was into some strange stuff like casting the odd spell when I was first getting to know her.

Or my housemate, who when I’m feeling absolutely rotten and generally am full of snot and tears, listens patiently, gives me hugs and reassures me that this too shall pass. Then she checks in with me through the day to make sure I’ve not had another melt down.

If I hadn’t let on that I have some um, alternative beliefs or that I was feeling rotten, if I was just pretending that everything was fine or I was just into bog standard life then I don’t think I’d have two such fantastic, solid friends to rely on now. I’d have acquaintances.

Letting yourself be yourself, uninhibited and fully as you are right now means that your Right People, aka potential friends/ lifelines, can look at you and recognize the qualities that they look for in a friend and embrace it.

It lets them know that you’re there – the right kind of friend for them because hell, they’re going to need your ability to love and give generously, your ability to nurture and support them towards their dreams, your sense of humour to pick them up when they’re down, your company to have a beer  and good times with and much, much more.

If you aren’t being yourself, if you’re keeping your little soul hidden under wraps in case someone doesn’t like what they see, then these poor people are going to miss out on the gloriousness of knowing you.

That would be a damn shame.

So the Biggification then?

Well – it’s going to involve looking at the good parts of me – the bits that are uniquely me and making them BIG.

Getting gloriously involved in the sparkly bits, exploring them, taking time to get to the bottom of what really makes me tick (it’s not the fears that make me tick I’m realizing, it’s the fabulous stuff).

Stepping out and thinking: Well here I am – don’tcha love it?!

Years of critically examining my weakness means that it is very easy to spot something “wrong”, now it’s time to spot the “right” things and celebrate in them and the next person I meet – I’m going to let them enjoy getting to know me.

I’m planning to write about it here, although in no set format – routine doesn’t sit well with me, and hopefully I’ll do it in a non arrogant way.

I’d love it if you joined in with the comments because it’s fun to play these games together.

Surrendering and saying Goodbye

Phew yesterday was tough.

Emotional roller coaster.

Today is calmer, which is welcome relief.

Yesterday also brought epiphanies and revelations.

Like – Grief is normal when things end, regardless of the way forward you have chosen.

There is still an end, still something to let go of. There will still be sadness and confusion over this.

And that’s okay. Healthy even.

Also that hope can get in the way of surrender.

Hope can mask a fear of letting go, fear of what the future holds, fear of the unknown. Or perhaps it’s better called wishful thinking than hope.

Wishful thinking wants to control a situation – to make it so.

It looks for signs and signals, it day dreams and prays over and over, “Please, please make it so.”

It is a loss of knowledge of your own personal power as you futilely place the power for something to happen in an external source, on chance, on luck, on god, whatever.

It is the “but maybe” that keeps an anxious knot in your stomach as you desperately watch for the desired outcome to unfold.

Surrender on the other hand is the letting go of this.

It is recognizing the truth of the situation, the facts as they stand right now. With gentle grace.

It is saying, “Take this and make what you will of it – I relinquish trying to control the outcome. What will be, will be. I choose instead to retreat to heal.”

It is the reclaiming of your personal power as you realize how you can control the situation – by stepping back with grace and letting yourself heal, instead of holding on in hope.

Surrender is not one great big dramatic gesture. It is the constant letting go of the hundred things you remember and mourn for.

It is letting go of eyes smiling at you, it is letting go of a special gesture or the utterly mundane and yet infinitely precious. It is giving yourself the freedom to say good bye and to mourn.

I think wishful thinking tries to hold onto these things in order to protect you from the pain of mourning, whereas saying, “goodbye and go with grace” followed by a good bout of tears can often do so much more to heal the wound and soothe the space left behind by the departure of these things from your life.

Surrender is not easy.

Letting go is painful.

Can it be made less painful by not resisting it though?

Great Expectations

August, it is fair to say, is proving a bit of a struggle for me.

Week before last was difficult, filled with tension and angst and not knowing how to communicate some things that desperately needed communicating.

Last week was filled with more hard, intense vulnerability, quite a few tears, lots of confusion and a confidence crisis.

This week… is just hard.

Things have come to a head and I have to deal with them. It’s not easy, it’s not fun and I keep wanting to burst into tears at work. I maintain that it is very weird to burst into tears in an office full of burly manly men. Not to mention, not particularly professional.

Thank god I work with numbers is all I can say. Numbers are solid, factual and not emotional at all. Quite a tonic when your emotional world is all topsy turvy. I am steaming through my work! Misery makes for great focus it seems. (And it hasn’t got rid of my cynical sense of humour)

With all this chaos going on I’ve been looking for reasons why – who doesn’t.

Mostly I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just life, unfortunately. I’d prefer Hollywood personally but hey ho. Shitty things happen to good people because shitty things happen to everyone.

The good thing is that I’m surrounded, inundated it seems with people who love me and are being amazingly supportive and doing a supreme amount of listening. Friends and family – not enough can be said in praise of them.

In my searchings though, I came across an article in Cosmic Girl which informs me that Mars and Pluto are in opposition. Mars and Pluto – my two ruling signs, are in opposition. So the planet of action and the planet of all things hidden are currently battling it out in the skies. Great.

Insert Mercury doing his thing and we’ve got communication rubbish in the mix. So with Pluto being the “plumber of the universe” having it out, essentially unblocking shit (count on me to lower the tone) with Mars stirring things up and Mercury, well being Mercury I’m thinking – kinda figures.

I’m not sure I believe this stuff but it does go some way to explaining why right now standing centre stage in my life we have

THE GREAT FEAR OF BEING ALONE

Choking up my heart and causing general chaos with my reasoning and objectivity.

Actually, scratch that – it is more

THE GREAT EXPECTATION OF BEING ALONE

The expectation drives the fear, because I don’t want to expect to be alone.

A good friend said to me, “You put a lot of love out there, but maybe you don’t expect much back.”

I looked at that sentence and thought, “Oh hello, old childhood friend, the quiet need/ expectation/ fear that has shadowed me since I was seven, the quiet but deadly cloak of protection I draw around me. Hello, hello for the first time of recognition of who you truly are.”

So I look around me now with different eyes and heart not trying to close people out to protect myself and I realize just how much love there is in my world. In my sister, in my mum, in my dad, in my dear, dear friends who are so precious to me and even in these guys around me at work who are kindly and gently letting me be a bit of an emotional wreck, making me tea and making sure I eat some lunch – I realize they all mean so very much more to me that I gave credit for.

I am realizing that by letting myself care I can let it show, able to return the warmth and kindness demonstrated to me.

This is not so bad at all really – being able to open to people is something I’ve struggled with forever. Different, easier circumstances wouldn’t have gone amiss, but as change goes, this one is not so terrible after.

Perhaps it is not such a bad thing being ruled by Pluto after all…

A Bad Poem…Sorry

Things are pretty tough for me right now, no argument about that.

I am facing a LOT of Hard Stuff to deal with.

And I’m dealing – pretty well too I reckon.

But rather than going into my shell as is my normal pattern I’m trying something new….

Expressing.

So here’s a poem about a hurt that’s in my heart right now.

It’s appalling. But it soothes to write appalling poetry when I’m sad and hurting, and I’ll share even the appalling stuff cos I’ve got no standards here! J

Dear Heart

Hurting so much

Treated with tender touch

Yearning

So Sad

Hurt incomprehensible

Needing love on a massive scale

To simply soothe the shaky feeling

Wounds open

Raw

Gaping need

Making its needs known

Needing love

More

More love

Still more

Thirst for comfort

To quench the fear

Aloneness

Seeming all encompassing

Wondering

What next?

Where do I go now?

The Day of Secret Overwhelm

Yesterday basically.

The day the rate of change and things happening in my life overwhelmed me, left me feeling like poo and didn’t tell me what was going on.

Bastard.

Never mind, I coped through all the feelings of angst and the invariable projection onto a thousand circumstances and people.

Okay… not a thousand but a lot. It’s artistic license okay, and yes, I have the audacity to call this rambling string of thoughts art.

So wah.

Then I sat down with my journal because I was bored of feeling pathetic and decided to listen to what’s going on inside and of course, I found that I was terrified.

“Of everything.” As I put it.

Oh.

A gentle reminder of how unsettling change can be, even if you really want it.

That when your gran dies, filling you with lots of sad and you’re contemplating moving jobs, homes and university, with deadlines coming at you left, right and centre, and you’re experiencing new relationships that yes, it can be overwhelming. And that’s okay.

A few tears and a lot of listening.

Feeling calmer, more listening.

Hearing, “I no longer want to go through life as if nothing is wrong and then hit a wall of overwhelm and scared feelings that are desperate to be heard. I want to be able to get by day by day, self aware enough to be aware of these feelings as and when they happen.

Asking, “How can this happen?”

Thinking, “Magic!

“I don’t really know, perhaps a process can come to me.”

Waking this morning, refusing to push the overwhelm away, instead letting it gently have permission to be there.

Giving myself permission to not have to be a super hero and be a human instead.

Reminding myself that nobody has the right to expect me to be perfect.

Remembering that I am entitled to my stuff.

Quietness…

Slowly out of it a thought that perhaps I could spend some time exploring my first, second and third chakras. Getting to know them. Not from a book, but in my special getting to know them conversational way.

Like the way I realised that, yes my throat chakra is about communication and how I come across in the world etc, etc but actually, my fifth chakra releases stuff for me. God knows what kind of stuff, but that’s what the throat glands and stiff necks are about – release, pure and simple and best left to its own devices.

Or that often something masquerading as a chest infection or asthma attack, is in fact a bunch of tears waiting to come out.

I propose a series…Conversations with my chakras.

Because I know you can’t wait to hear them!

Little me.

This morning. This weekend. Ugh.

Overwhelm. Dizziness. Feeling small, pathetic and vulnerable.

Overwhelmingly vulnerable. Please-just-give-me-a-duvet-and-rub-my-back vulnerability.

Feeling utterly, utterly terrified by the vulnerability.

Because I am totally petrified of having to ask for support when I feel this …. little.

Especially when it comes out of apparently nowhere and for no apparent good reason. Just showing up, screaming at me, “I want a hug!”

All I want to ask is, “But why?”

It’s not interested in answering; it just wants its god dammed hug.