Leaning into the wind

What they never are able to get across to you, when they’re urging you to keep an open heart during times which you find are difficult, is how fucking hard it is. I mean, every instinct in your body is screaming at you to get angry, get even, retreat, throw your toys out the cot, basically all the things which are not keeping your heart open to what is feeling. 

Every defence mechanism going lines up to have a go, whether it be epic proportions of sleep, eating all the sugar, trying to gloss over, tamp down, think past, think around, get cross about, start blaming, start generalising, get critical, try to find out all the terrible things which happened to you in the past which have lead you to this very moment of melodramatic angst and proceed to pick them apart in painstaking detail (an accomplice is almost certainly required for this), just so you don’t have to face the incredible discomfort of just sitting with what is…. Mostly impossible to avoid, for we are but human.
There are flashes of peace. The moment when you are praying to the goddess of everything to please just help lift the torment and then a moment of clarity, remembering that love is not something that happens to you, it is something that you utterly are, always. Or the moment when you whisper to yourself, “maybe it is okay to feel like this” and it feels like every muscle fibre in your body exhales, relaxes and reaffirms that this is where you are right now and that’s just not a threat to you, or the glimmers of gratitude from kind words, kitty cuddles or just three deep and present breaths whilst inhaling the scent of mown grass. They are a balm to the soul when you are feeling a little tossed and torn by the stormy seas of your story riddled mind. 
Then it is back to the what ifs and the should I’s, and the general cacophony of discord that such stormy stories give rise to. In the midst of this, your challenge is to find your roots, take a deep breath and lean into the wind with an open heart. Fuck me, is it ever a challenge! By goddess do you love and appreciate the youness of you when you manage, even for a fraction of a moment…

On giving a fuck…

(Note, it is advisable that if you don’t like the word fuck then you should not read on.)

It appears that there is a current trend of not giving a fuck. Observe:

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and…

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This is an issue for me, because basically giving a fuck is about all I can do.

If I’m there and I’m involved, then I’m giving a fuck.

The issue of course, is that this ensures that I am inherently uncool. A concept which is absolutely not a surprise to me and something which I long ago accepted and even have embraced. Because if you’re cool then you can’t do things like wear yellow trousers just because you felt like making them. It’s just not cool.

However, whilst I am quite happy to generally be the uncoolest uncool person ever, in this instance it would appear that I have an issue…

I yearn to absolutely and genuinely, not give a fuck.

Logically, if you actually don’t care then nothing can touch you yes? That is to say, nothing can hurt you. This is the inner diatribe’s point of view, at least.

I cannot begin to describe the knots my feelings and thoughts tie into when this process is going on. I try and try and try to rationalise away the caring about whatever it is that I am caring about until there is no longer a straight and grounded thought inside me and the diatribe is on a rampage, telling me off in the harshest of ways for caring far too damn much and don’t I know that I will just end up hurt and then I will be the fool?

Whilst this is all going on and I’m drying my hair for tomorrow (very distracted fashion, likely to be bird’s nest in the morning), an epiphany makes an appearance. “What if,” I think to myself, “what if it’s okay to give a fuck?” Cue clonking myself on the head with hairdryer.

Not exactly earth shattering is it? Except it is, because in this one moment the permission to unashamedly give a fuck, a huge big fuck, about what is going on, means that the inner diatribe can have a night off and get some sleep! Hallelujah.

And so, in conclusion, henceforth and forthwith I say fuck it to not giving a fuck, because actually I give a fuck and that’s okay.

Outstandingly profound yes? …

The Not Good Times

Here’s the thing – I am not having a “good” year. I’m not. That’s not to say that on the surface things aren’t peachy – they are. On the surface everything looks just great.

However, a few millimetres below that, things are not just peachy. That’s pretty much it. Not a good year.

I have been consumed with doubt about so many things. I’m struggling with relationships around me and with myself, feeling conflicted about so many things. Then there has been so much sadness, and what I can only assume is grief about all sorts of things, loneliness and many tears. I don’t list these things in the hopes of sympathy, empathy or any solution. I list them simply because they are real and they are felt daily and they exist mostly in secret, just millimetres from the surface.

It’s tough, not one day goes by that I’m not searching for a “solution” or a way to help myself or make things better. I am constantly trying to find ways to try to make this hardness go away. I do not roll over easily… Then recently, in what were probably the very best of intentions, someone made a comment about how all of this is affecting me and they linked it to my sense of self worth.

It sure as hell touched a nerve. It both infuriated me and made me feel inside out and, besides the complete and utter inappropriateness of it, and once I had spent a long time writing down swear words joined up by other words, I realised this – This. Is. Where. I. Am.

Cue a moment of instant calm amongst the turbulent emotions. Sweet and utter relief. The realisation that sometimes things are just hard. Sometimes, the least helpful thing I can do is to look for a solution or figure things out. Fighting it bypasses the instance of self acceptance that is the ultimate essence of compassion. Besides, what the fuck is so wrong with having a hard time? Are we not allowed a few months of less than average to good times? When did it become compulsory to feel bloody delighted all the time?

Please do not misunderstand, I fully appreciate that people have the very best of intentions when they’re trying to move you on from the hardness through sympathy and helpful suggestions. They clearly empathise with the hardness and wish it wasn’t so for you. But sometimes there is sweet F.A. that can be done apart from sit back, accept that shit happens, you feel like shit, you probably look like shit, you’re most likely quite difficult to be around because of all the shit that you’re dealing with and such is life. It is, plainly, where you are at for now, so sit back and relax about it. Fighting it is only going to take out of you what you need to deal with all the rubbish going on. Life will move on from this hard place, it has to.

PS it is totally fine to absolutely fucking hate that that is where you are. It is a pile of doo after all.

PPS: It’s also fine to want to tell everyone who just doesn’t get it to do one.

PPPS: It is not fine to post anything trying to remotely helpful or resembling advice in response to this. It is highly likely to incur the response of above.

Crying

Today has not started as a good day. At least it doesn’t feel that way. There is still the cloud and overwhelming desire to cry and cry which just won’t go away. It seems an absurd reaction to nothing. I am terrified that it is depression making a come back (frankly to slip away from it all unnoticed feels very, very attractive today) and I am hopeful that it is hormones instead.

My horoscope urges me to positivity today. How on god’s earth that is supposed to happen I have no idea. I can’t see any gifts, simply loneliness overwhelming me and urging that I am worthless and what is the point?

A little voice whispered to me that you don’t get up because others love you, you get up for yourself. I think this might be truth but I am feeling too swamped by this grief to comprehend and for it to bring relief. Perhaps if I just write it down it will help.

I don’t want to be this mess. I really don’t. I just want to be loved. That is all. To be loved and to know it. For the whispering voice that thunders,”WORTHLESS,” to disappear, given a hug and replaced by one which knows it it loved dearly. For the daily reminders which show me how little value I am of to anyone other than myself to be held up to the light and burnt off, shown to be false; being out of context interpretations which have been twisted in my own mind to make an impact. Wanting instead a calm and steady sense of value to root me and guide me through the maelstrom of life.

This is my act of kindness to myself today. To take the words out of my head and to put them down on here so that there can be some stillness. I have lead myself back from here time and time before and I can do so again today. Out of love. For myself. Because you get up and you show up, for yourself.

The Great Marathon Adventure

Well, it has been a long time hasn’t it? What’s that you say? A good few years… Well yes, I have been very busy doing things, mundane things, but now I’m back to tell you about my adventures!

I’ll start with the story that lead me here, to telling you about what I am doing and why. It links with many of my previous posts from when apparently I had M.E. – like this one.

I didn’t have M.E.; what training for that half marathon taught me is to ALWAYS trust my gut feeling. Always. Because I realised that if you can train for a half marathon and still function, whilst apparently having M.E., then you probably don’t have M.E.

I changed my doctors’ surgery and spoke to a very understanding Doctor. He actually listened to my story and took me seriously (which in my experience in the UK is the exception rather than the rule) and yes, he filled me with more holes and stole my blood, but in the end was a proper, real diagnosis. Coeliac Disease.

I do not know how many times when I had been told I had M.E. that I had just wished for there to be a way for me to make it simply better. Having an answer was incredible and from that moment in I embraced having to go “gluten free” because here was a simple way to make myself well.

It wasn’t so simple though, which is where Coeliac UK come into play. Coeliac UK are an absolute boon to the newly diagnosed. They’re the oldest and largest charity which helps to support, campaign, research, you name it, for people with coeliac disease and they were so helpful in my steep learning curve of going “gluten free”.

So on the 6th of April 2014 I’m not running a half marathon, I’m running a full marathon, the Brighton Marathon, to help raise money to support Coeliac UK. That’s 26.2 miles of sweat and probably tears and I’d dearly appreciate any and all support in doing so. I’m loving the adventure (yes really!) and the challenge and I hope to share a bit of it here with you, if you’d like to join me.

raise money for Coeliac UK. That’s 26.2 miles of seweat and a few gallons of tears

Stoutie

 

 

This is my beautiful Stoutie.

I believe you’ve already met my gorgeous Georgie.

If you are thinking they look remarkably alike then you would be right, that is because they are sisters.

Last night, the saddest, saddest thing happened because my beautiful Stoutie died.

My wonderful furries are so amazingly special to me and it really was not time for her to go.

In amongst all the tears and desperate cuddles of George I thought I would like to ask this, to celebrate Stoutie.

Today, please stretch out on your back and ask for your belly to be tickled.

Roll about in the sunshine like it is The Bestest Thing ever.

Enjoy your food with every inch of your body.

Cuddle much.

Smile with your eyes.

Know that you are beautiful.

 

Broken

Comment Zen: This post is coming from a super vulnerable place, so I would love it if you could go gently with it too. Not that I would expect anything less, but that I feel the need to put out some safety buffers just because.

 

I feel like a very broken person at the moment, both emotionally and physically.

I have also been giving myself whopping doses of Reiki to my third chakra as a result of breaking my knee whilst snowboarding about a month ago.

Not literally breaking it, but tearing ligaments in my knee and ankle, giving myself insane haematomas and doing something weird to my ITB, which my Physio says is technically known as “mashing it”.

It is going to take a long time for me to stop wearing all the bits of Velcro and metal which are currently doing my ligaments’ job for them.

There has been so much change in the last few years it is literally insane.

It’s not going to stop, so I am going to have to do some learning about it, or go insane.

Then I think I threw a shoe last week.

In true shoe style, it was absolutely, never intended in a million years to be a shoe and yet it was and then I felt like something nasty on the bottom of the shoe.

 

Ugh.

 

Much angst as I tried to fix the situation. Much angst remaining even though it would seem the situation is slightly rectified. Oh boy.

But so much more was brought up in that one tiny moment – all the broken bits.

The monsters which say, “You are broken.”

The interpretations of “You are broken” which are far harsher than that one sentence.

In one moment, a whole rush of Bing!

Realising a lifetime of patterns in one reaction:

Believing that only perfect is loveable> feeling not perfect> being not perfect>therefore having clear evidential proof that I am not loveable.

Feeling really rather broken for not having sorted this out by now.

Feeling broken for having insanely high standards for myself, and insanely low standards for others.

Feeling… just broken.

Feeling sorry for myself for feeling broken.

And so on ad infinitum.

Choice.

 

I am able to objectively stand away and just observe these patterns coming up, which helps a lot.

I am also able to draw on amazing support from people who do actually love me when I can’t stand back and just end up crying and saying, “But nobody loves me! WAH!”

I can see that so much of this is triggered by feeling tired, being isolated and giving myself huge amounts of Reiki to my third chakra.

 

Because when you start healing that stuff, you start healing deep stuff.

 

As I have been giving myself the Reiki I have been picking up a clear message from my body which goes something like this, “Don’t worry about the leg – that’s being taken care of. Pay attention to the vulnerable bits, because they’re tired and lonely and desperately need this.”

 

So I’ll be giving those vulnerable bits some more Reiki.

 

By the way – I know I’m not broken, but what is also true is that I am feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment which means my monsters’ voices are rather loud.

What those voices point out as that healing needs to happen here and that healing is happening here.

Like an itchy scab.

Nice.

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