What they never are able to get across to you, when they’re urging you to keep an open heart during times which you find are difficult, is how fucking hard it is. I mean, every instinct in your body is screaming at you to get angry, get even, retreat, throw your toys out the cot, basically all the things which are not keeping your heart open to what is feeling.
Every defence mechanism going lines up to have a go, whether it be epic proportions of sleep, eating all the sugar, trying to gloss over, tamp down, think past, think around, get cross about, start blaming, start generalising, get critical, try to find out all the terrible things which happened to you in the past which have lead you to this very moment of melodramatic angst and proceed to pick them apart in painstaking detail (an accomplice is almost certainly required for this), just so you don’t have to face the incredible discomfort of just sitting with what is…. Mostly impossible to avoid, for we are but human.
There are flashes of peace. The moment when you are praying to the goddess of everything to please just help lift the torment and then a moment of clarity, remembering that love is not something that happens to you, it is something that you utterly are, always. Or the moment when you whisper to yourself, “maybe it is okay to feel like this” and it feels like every muscle fibre in your body exhales, relaxes and reaffirms that this is where you are right now and that’s just not a threat to you, or the glimmers of gratitude from kind words, kitty cuddles or just three deep and present breaths whilst inhaling the scent of mown grass. They are a balm to the soul when you are feeling a little tossed and torn by the stormy seas of your story riddled mind.
Then it is back to the what ifs and the should I’s, and the general cacophony of discord that such stormy stories give rise to. In the midst of this, your challenge is to find your roots, take a deep breath and lean into the wind with an open heart. Fuck me, is it ever a challenge! By goddess do you love and appreciate the youness of you when you manage, even for a fraction of a moment…