Scared Bean

 

In a two weeks time I become self employed.

I cut my hours down at my current job to a fraction of what they are now.

I earn peanuts as it is there so….

Shit.

The thing is though, that even though I am not prepared for this in any way really (unless the obsessive thinking counts as preparation) and even though I am terrified, this is my thing (you know – the thing) and I truly believe I have to give myself a chance to do it.

I am a scared bean.

A jelly bean in the most quivering sense of the word.

There is no bravado here, no “Rah Rah! I’m doing this so help me god.”

Unhelpful help…

I discovered today that when you’re terrified and quivering like a jelly bean over your chosen way, it really doesn’t help to have other ways suggested to you.

Even when they come from the most loving and helpful place imaginable.

It has taken enormous amounts of courage to reach this stage where I trust myself enough to do this and to do this in my own way.

Suggestions to do it any other way sound like criticisms, even though they are not and I know they are not.

Trusting yourself is a most tentative process.

When starting out in new things people are most forthcoming with their helpful suggestions about how to do it, or what your options are.

I find myself picturing myself holding a large spear with which to wield madly at the encroaching circle of “helpfulness”

Wanted: A band of outlaws

To stand in the centre of the circle with me and to have my back.

Who are with me, because it’s me and so why wouldn’t they stand with me?

Family.

Soul Family. (Permission granted to throw up now)

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