Old Year Edition

How many times do you think one person needs to be reminded about the imperfection of the human state? Hmmmm, I suppose it depends on the person really, and what exactly you mean by the imperfection of the human state?

Okay, say that person was me… and the imperfection of the human state – perhaps that we’re all superbly complex and wonderfully simple human beans all at once? That no matter how many layers you peel away, the core message tends to stay the same? Or that nobody has the all answers to anything? Or that we’re all journeying along, bump, bump, bump and trying to get it right?

Imagine you’re making a trip to the top of a mountain and you’ve decided to navigate a certain part of your journey on foot because it looked a little rocky and that seemed oh, kind of sensible. Then you look along to the left (or right – you choose) and you see someone you know (or more likely, someone you don’t) and they’re whizzing along this side path on a bicycle! You think you yourself, “Oh jeez, I suck. I’m going so slowly, plodding along on foot. I should be on a bicycle on that path there – whizzing along just like that person. I shouldn’t be here, on foot, sensibly navigating my own path. Oh rubbishy, rubbishy me.” Meanwhile, there’s a smarter part of you jumping up and down, perhaps with pom poms screaming, “Helloooo! Human remember?! Prone to mistakes, ALL OF US, there’s no need to be quite so harsh or quite so fond of the word should. (*ugh*) All of us wonderfully, wonderfully imperfect. Love you for itJ

Yeah, so I need to be told ummm, about one hundred million, squillion, gazillion times a minute! (I may be exaggerating here, I may not – please keep guessing.) It is generally as I face another situation where I am setting myself up with a litany of shoulds.

I have no specific situation in mind as I type this, but it does seem appropriate somehow, as the New Year approaches and everyone is summarizing their year, to focus on what’s been the biggest “ah ha!” moment/ series of moments for me. I think it’s these moments when I suddenly realise that the reason for some circumstance, or somebody’s behaviour, even my own behaviour, is not that I don’t have the answers yet or that I’m rubbish, but that we’re all human and therefore liable to be weird in many varied, kooky, complex and fantastical ways!

It brings on a state of freaky compassion for myself and a fondness for being a human bean and other human beans all around. Ah, self acceptance – is goot ja?

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Mindful Holiday Break or You WHAT? Madwoman…

Holiday experiences so far….

  1. Started off with good intentions: Meditation every morning, much introspection – lovely.
  2. Slow panic sets in… considering Holiday Break was meant to be a Holiday, am finding there’s an awful lot To Do! But… remember to look after self and have a lovely massage.
  3. Bake madly, madly, madly for everyone/ thing *aching back, rush rush*
  4. See many people – am starting to feel ever so slightly desperate about Holiday’s Holiday and need to spend some time by myself.
  5. Christmas eve – aaaaah, exhale. Day to self. Do what I want when I want. Bake some more, this time for me. YUM.
  6. Dad arrives, quiet evening. Lovely, lovely. Managing to feel sane.
  7. Christmas Day – most relaxed one on planet. Get up when I want, go for a little walk to gather some ivy for table. Cook when I want, eat when everything is cooked. Good Day all in all. Oh and drink 2 bottles of wine between Dad and me without considering repercussions! How mean could I be to my little unalcohol-used/trained body?
  8. Boxing day – UUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH. Dad leaves and I-am-not-meant-to-get-out-of-bed-ever-again. “But Why??” I wail, “It is a Mystery!” More visiting of friends and then retiring to bed at 4pm feeling pathetic. About 8:30pm I recall wine consumption the day before and hang head in shame. Silly numpty.
  9. 27th– Mum arrives. Shopping, shopping, shopping. Movie. Deep and meaningful conversations in vast quantity, is good. Excessively tired when go to bed – Grump monster.
  10. Today – Awake still a little grumpy. Start to rearrange office in the hope that I will, one day, get round to doing my coursework which is imminently due. Go out to look for shelves. Find some, with butterflies on! Butterflies I tell you! Love them but ummm and ahhh. Don’t buy them. Run out of time to look for others. Have a paddy of note due to frustration and need for space and calming down. WanttimeoutNOW!
  11. Get home, feel exhausted, begin writing post to re-install shred of sanity in self and bore you senseless with list of holiday experiences so far.

Still To Come….

  1. Horse riding on the beach (tomorrow) and buying those shelves I fell in love with – you know, with the butterflies on them.
  2. Quad biking. Oh boy oh boy oh boy!
  3. The return of Martina Martina, my divinely mad housemate and all round fab friend who contributes much to my sanity.
  4. New Year’s with my fabulous Sister and her gorgeous Husband, dressed up as an eighties pop star (but WHO to be?)
  5. A date. No more details given I’m afraid. Scrumptious gossipy stuff is being selfishly kept to self.

Did I mention I desperately wanted a rest? Does the above look like a rest to you? NO! Just to clarify.

I fully intended for this break to be a much needed time for looking after myself, going inward, really nurturing me after a mad year. I planned to meditate every day, even if only for a few minutes, do yoga and stretch out my very tight hamstrings, ride my bike on the local mbt trail and get to know it well if the weather was gorgeous, reorganise my office so that it was a sumptuous place I wanted to be in and just generally have a fab time. As you can see, it hasn’t exactly turned out that way!

The weather has been gorgeous – blue sky, dry and bright – I haven’t ridden my bike once! That’s about my biggest bugbear. J I found myself irritated and frustrated with introspection. Friends were kind to me and wanted to see me and I feel like a shitbag turning down invites that are issued out of genuine kindness. Blah, blah, intense busyness.

Why then have I let this time of quiet become a time of madness? Why aren’t I turning down invitations and refusing to get sucked into “things I have to do”? Why instead, am I choosing melodrama and a continuing sore throat? Well, I realised that actually, I didn’t want the intense retreat. In fact, the year has been that mad and intense that I need to gently slow down and face things in bite size chunks, rather than my normal full immersion in the issue style. What I want and desperately need, is more Me Time; just a little moment of time to myself every day, for me to inhale, exhale and connect with myself again.

So I achieved that little insight. I have also nearly completed the office project and bought squillions of citrusy scented candles to burn in there to keep our brains alive and stimulated whilst working diligently on pieces of academic supremacy. (Snigger, snigger – that’s one way to describe it I suppose) and I shall buy the lovely shelves that will create the space that I shall fall in love with (Have I said they have butterflies on them? So cool). I didn’t get round to a lovely Yule ceremony, but I did have the loveliest Christmas Eve that I can remember, which was as good as. I haven’t meditated every day, but I have had some profound insights anyway and I’ve seen friends and family. So actually, not such a gross failing after all…rather, one more reminder that things so seldom turn out the way you expect them to (and a good thing too – how boring if they did. I for one would always be in trouble!)

What’s more, I maintain that I am probably more relaxed that 90% of the population at present, due to my almost Scrooge-like non consumerist attitude to Christmas. Hah!

I have also just realised that my brain currently resembles a drunk spider trying to go in more than one direction, so if this has made no sense that’s why. I suggest that you go look at George pulling a tongue instead!

Some Holiday Cheer

This is George – She’s very good at pulling tongues and cheering me up- I laugh every time. Enjoy J

 

Shaking hands with anger

Oh I think I’m supposed to be off doing something or about to be off doing something or just something. So this is a quick one – likely to be badly written and noticeably rushed, nonetheless I am compelled to write about it.

ANGER – Grrrrrrr.

Letting myself feel it = BIG issue. No reason to go into the reasons – just is. It presses massive abandonment buttons in me- “if I show my anger/ get anger/ think angry thoughts yadda yadda, so and so won’t love me” and so on and so forth. I know I sound blasé about this, but after several months of intense introspection I’ve recently been finding myself fed up of it, and yet unable to stop. Therefore, my frustration with this is beginning to show.

Today, however, I did let myself feel angry. I didn’t act all ragey or loud or anything. In fact, I started first to feel the hurt which I then felt turn into anger and I let that stay, instead of quickly trying to process through it.

It helped me.

I felt my hurt justified when I gave myself permission to feel angry and I was able to do some stuff that I haven’t done until now – because I was afraid to do it. The anger stopped my people pleasing tendencies in its tracks and allowed me to do something that was good for me; my state of mind. It helped me stop being too nice. I liked that feeling – empowered.

“How do you do Ms Angry? I am very pleased to meet you. Come in, take a seat and let us get to know each other.”

The Personal Ad that isn’t one

In my post that wasn’t really a post, but rather a post about possible posts (and breatheJ) I mentioned possibly writing a personal ad, for the person I wanted to be with. However, every time I think about it I hit a block of some sort or another. To be honest, it is beginning to piss me off already. I mean, c’mon, I am now single for a reason – I wanted to find the right person for me. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to make a relationship work because it just wasn’t going to.

So you would kinda think – after all, it is rather logical – that I would be up for this whole “putting it out there for the universe thingy” wouldn’t you?

Apparently not, as I’ve found myself thinking, “I did this already and it didn’t work” or…

“You know this break up I had a few months back, how awful I felt yadda yadda, and you know, because of how much I liked that person, who, to my great surprise and in spite of a number of factors, did actually seem to fit the bill yadda yadda – well he turned up in my life didn’t he? HE DIDN’T STICK AROUND DID HE??!!” (numpty…)(Him, not me that is.J)

So why ON EARTH, would I want to put myself through that again? Those hurt feelings – well… they weren’t fun at all. I’d go so far as to say they sucked immensely. I couldn’t eat for goodness sakes – although I’m still uncertain if that was to do with the feelings or with the gastroenteritis that was doing the rounds at work. Yup – I’d reckon that pretty much explains the reluctance.

I am pretty very shit scared of being hurt again.

Of meeting a fantastic person again and opening up hugely and then it turns out I’m not quite good enough. To ever be spoken to again.

Of the confusion that follows, knowing my feelings were reciprocated, so how the hell was I not good enough?

Of the confidence destruction and the slow, incredibly slow, inch by miniscule inch creeping back to feeling normal again.

Of walking into a room, situation, talking to someone, hearing something, doing something and thinking “Person!” and then thinking, “oh yeah, person’s not in my life anymore.”

It really, really sucks.

BUT…

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t care about the arguments defining the benefits of being alone – I have been alone for long enough. I want to meet someone; the right someone.

AND…

I am impatient. *ironic grin*

So the other day I asked myself for permission to move on and forwards, then today when I was driving along I realised *Bing! Showers of glitter!* that a lot of what I thought was stuff still hanging around about missing the aforementioned person and all the great stuff we got up to, was actually memories of stuff that happens at the beginning of every new relationship – it always feels strong and amazing. It ended before that new stuff had died away, so I’m left with a bunch of fantastic memories and then some really crappy ones of the stupid confused ending. Of course that’s going to make it hard to put aside. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that I’m never going to feel that way again, or that I missed out on something that was a once and only chance. Big whooomph of air out, big “oooh I get it” squirmy feelings of delight inside accompanied by the light bulb grin. I wanted to clap my hands together and do a little dance (it has been bothering me quite a bit this) but I didn’t, because I was driving and I didn’t want to be on the evening news for the wrong reasons. And the right reasons to be on the evening news are, you ask? World’s hugest purple hat perhaps? Or getting a goat to make a cup of tea properly maybe?

Next problem/ sumptuous dilemma…the right person for me – who could he be? That is a big question, because if you’re going to be putting out requests to the universe, you’d best do it properly.

Ummmm, Nonsense

Well, I’d really like to have something to blog about right now, apart from being physically unable to breathe through my nose of course. Turns out, my head is so chock a block with thoughts (all deep, meaning FULL and hugely profound of course) that I’m just thinking a million blog posts like:

1.  Writing a personal ad (Havi stylee) for the person I’d like to meet (gulp, that one’s a little scary)

2.  Can I be a hippy healer and a Quantity Surveyor – how to balance spirituality and a construction site…

3.  How chuffed I am that I’ve got people commenting on my blog, and how that also scares me. Usual dialog – ummmm how do I respond? What if they want real posts not nonsense? What’s the etiquette? Oh look at me, this is MY blog and I’ll cry if I want to! Etc etc. blah blah blah blah blah blah.

4.  Christmas – The DO NOT give me pity edition. I do actually want to be alone. I’ve had a big year and I want to reflect, learn and rest from it – by myself.

5.  Christmas – why I bake instead of giving gifts edition.

6.  Do I move my blog? Do I sign up to Twitter? Do I really care? Do I have time? What’s important here Wormy Squirmy?  Am I being a huge big hypocrite pushing Dad with his blog and resisting being pushed with mine? Aargh- bladdy questions with answers.

7.  Bring back my sister from Cape Town. Nobody I wish Happy Friday to responds appropriately in her absence, so we’re just going to have to bring her back early. Cos it’s Friday day after tomorrow. Sorry Medem, you’ll just have to accept this is your l’il fish being a mumpara. (I’m jealous … and I’m not gracious when I’m jealous. I just invent silly reasons to bring you back early. Also, cos I miss you a bit)

8.  What do Sock Goblins do over Christmas?  Or do they celebrate Yule? Or Hanukkah? Or do they have their own little sock stealing/ stuffing/ bring in the New Year with a special sock festival that is terribly secret? Oooh, we just don’t know! 

9.  What shall I do for Yule? It’s sneaking up awful fast and I’m going to have to start being mindful of it sometime soon. It needs to be gentle and very personal.

Ah well, maybe I’ll get round to it sometime soon. Perhaps not – suggestions please on what Sock Goblins get up to for the holidays. J

The tale of an epiphany which is the cause of much excitement…

Once upon a time a young(ish) woman sat on her bed sniffling and snotting (due to being full of stinky cold) and reading through her journal from the last year when She noticed that much of what was written there; the insecurity she had felt, the sadness, pain, loss, anger and so on, seemed to be based on her reaction to what she thought other people’s view of her was.

She had a little epiphany! She realised Her sense of self, of who she is, until now has been based on her search for other people’s approval of her.

It walloped her in her solar plexus and radiated outwards through the rest of her as she realised the freedom she could find by going inwards and finding out what her opinion of herself is, to find out who she really is rather than who she thinks she should1 be for others to approve of (love) her.

Realising too She has actually reached a level of self acceptance where this idea fills her with excitement not fear because being herself is the only authentic thing She can really do. YAY!

I guess by now you’ve realised “she” is me… because you’re all very intelligent people after all (you’re reading this aren’t you? J hee hee!)

I felt little chunks of armour fall away (mostly in the form of letting my shoulders drop) and my body filled with delight. I love how my body and emotions are so connected. I find it a fascinating relationship- the mirroring of my emotion in my body. I’m quite hopeful that in getting to know myself and the ensuing confidence I know this will bring will enable me to let a lot of this tension go, which will quite frankly, be a joy!

So I’m off to do a little jig of excitement, because right now, meditative OMMMM doesn’t work for me!

*Jumps and taps heels together in a jaunty fashion*

 

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Should is a nasty word – It SHOULD be abolished.