Revelations – not the ones from the Bible though.

“To some extent, this applies to being single, too. Somebody else has to demonstrate that you’re lovable.” Well, Joely’s done it again. That is, hit the nail on the head.

Oh, and Hi! I’m back from my holiday – which was wonderful, amazing and much needed.

Anyway, so onto this post.

I’ve been kinda quiet over the last few weeks, because I’ve been utterly exhausted and then I went on holiday. I’ve also got a lot of coursework to do.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been enjoying feeling human again and pondering on a couple of revelations that have been popping up in my mind.

Basically, while I was away I met somebody, who I really like (this is surprising, as I am very, very fussy), who I didn’t expect to keep on seeing when I came back, because hey, we all know that holiday romances traditionally don’t work. But…we are still in contact and it’s messing with my head. Okay, being honest, I’m messing with my head.

No. 1 Revelation – I’m in control

Standing at a Snow Patrol concert, the Sunday after we got back, with my little head whirring about asking all these “what if” questions, miserably missing all my friends, the snow, being away, feeling like a total victim whom life happens to, who has happiness snatched away after a brief glimpse of it, generally being pathetic and not liking myself for it.

Then BOOM!

Excuse me?! As a valuable, worthwhile person don’t I have a right to be happy? If I want to be happy, then I damn well will be.

I will make the choices that will make me happy, I will see myself as the person I wish to be seen as (just me and good enough as that), I will say what I want, when I want.

If I want to talk to someone, I will talk to them, even if I’m terrified that they may not want to talk to me too. If I want to see someone, I will say, “I want to see you.”

Ultimately I am in control of this thing.

This is big okay. It might sound bleeding obvious, but it’s not to me.

I have spent my life first being told that my life was God’s will and boy did I have to please him or I’d end up in hell. Basically, according to the Catholic Church, we’re not good enough on being born, and we’re fucked for the rest of our lives, in spite of all the confession, self hate and God pleasing we attempt.

If I wasn’t pleasing God then that was why things weren’t going well. If things weren’t going well it was because it was God’s will, not something changeable. Huge, mysterious, unkind and impossible to understand/ please God.

I’ve taken this further in my life into believing that everything that happens to me is an external force.

I depend on other people’s opinions of myself.

I see things as coming to me, rather than manifested.

I look at things meant to be or not meant to be.

If things go wrong, someone rejects me or doesn’t like me then it’s my fault and I deserve it.

If things go right, then it is coming from something else and I have to question if I have earnt it because I know damn well I don’t deserve it.

Fuck. I mean Fuck.

I kinda hate the Catholic Church right now as I write this, or at least the people who taught me this goddamn awful way of thinking and called it “the will of God.” Okay, I don’t hate them, but I do resent them a lot.

As you can imagine, taking my thinking and reversing that so my actions come from a place of belief in deserving happiness rather than desperately trying to earn it as a basis of worth is quite a major turnaround.It’s why it’s taken me over a week to write these few paragraphs. I’ve needed filter time.

I’ve also been saying what I want, getting in contact with new people and asking for stuff – like “Call me?”

It’s good, new, terrifying, good and I feel happy.

Figuring that the people I want in my life are people who do want to hear from me. If they don’t want to hear from me, I don’t want them in my life. Huh!

No. 2 Revelation – This People Pleasing thing is bloody exhausting, a load of bollocks and very difficult to give up

It’s there… all the time. All. The. Freaking. Time.I don’t like it. I want it gone, gone, gone.

I am fed up of living my life thinking, “What if they don’t want to talk to me and I’ll be pissing them off by getting in contact? What if I’ve said something, or not said something, and now this bad mood is my fault? What can I do to make them like me? If they’re not doing such and such or if they are, then does that mean they don’t like me?” and so on.

We all know the dialogue; we all are fluent in this language I think.I want to learn a new language… see above.

No. 3 Revelation – I really am that person in the picture

Okay, this may not make so much sense to you. So here’s the picture:

The redhead, that’s me. (ha ha, you thought I was the dude on the snowboard didn’t you?) Looking happy. Who has fun, who has friends, who is fun and loveable, who has an amazing life full to the brim of things to be grateful for. I’m not just that person when I’m away on holiday.

I’m that person all the time.

Okay… this is news to me.

I’m giving away just how pathetic my thought patterns can be aren’t I? But we may as well face this baby head on.

All along I’ve been thinking I’m worthless, unlikeable, unlovable, not deserving, useless etc etc.

Turns out I’m wrong. That’s a relief!

Turns out, I’m the only one who thinks this. (If you do think this, keep it to yourself okay – I’m not interested and you’re not worth my time, see No. 1 above)

Turns out, I can change my thinking.

So yippee.

Advertisements