Broken

Comment Zen: This post is coming from a super vulnerable place, so I would love it if you could go gently with it too. Not that I would expect anything less, but that I feel the need to put out some safety buffers just because.

 

I feel like a very broken person at the moment, both emotionally and physically.

I have also been giving myself whopping doses of Reiki to my third chakra as a result of breaking my knee whilst snowboarding about a month ago.

Not literally breaking it, but tearing ligaments in my knee and ankle, giving myself insane haematomas and doing something weird to my ITB, which my Physio says is technically known as “mashing it”.

It is going to take a long time for me to stop wearing all the bits of Velcro and metal which are currently doing my ligaments’ job for them.

There has been so much change in the last few years it is literally insane.

It’s not going to stop, so I am going to have to do some learning about it, or go insane.

Then I think I threw a shoe last week.

In true shoe style, it was absolutely, never intended in a million years to be a shoe and yet it was and then I felt like something nasty on the bottom of the shoe.

 

Ugh.

 

Much angst as I tried to fix the situation. Much angst remaining even though it would seem the situation is slightly rectified. Oh boy.

But so much more was brought up in that one tiny moment – all the broken bits.

The monsters which say, “You are broken.”

The interpretations of “You are broken” which are far harsher than that one sentence.

In one moment, a whole rush of Bing!

Realising a lifetime of patterns in one reaction:

Believing that only perfect is loveable> feeling not perfect> being not perfect>therefore having clear evidential proof that I am not loveable.

Feeling really rather broken for not having sorted this out by now.

Feeling broken for having insanely high standards for myself, and insanely low standards for others.

Feeling… just broken.

Feeling sorry for myself for feeling broken.

And so on ad infinitum.

Choice.

 

I am able to objectively stand away and just observe these patterns coming up, which helps a lot.

I am also able to draw on amazing support from people who do actually love me when I can’t stand back and just end up crying and saying, “But nobody loves me! WAH!”

I can see that so much of this is triggered by feeling tired, being isolated and giving myself huge amounts of Reiki to my third chakra.

 

Because when you start healing that stuff, you start healing deep stuff.

 

As I have been giving myself the Reiki I have been picking up a clear message from my body which goes something like this, “Don’t worry about the leg – that’s being taken care of. Pay attention to the vulnerable bits, because they’re tired and lonely and desperately need this.”

 

So I’ll be giving those vulnerable bits some more Reiki.

 

By the way – I know I’m not broken, but what is also true is that I am feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment which means my monsters’ voices are rather loud.

What those voices point out as that healing needs to happen here and that healing is happening here.

Like an itchy scab.

Nice.