Taking Centre Stage

Just a quick update from the Secret (oh that’s a joke) Life of Worm Hill.

I’ve been absolutely exhausted this week. So I took a week off, after an email with my sister made me realise just how utterly useless I am at taking time for myself to look after myself and just generally chill.

I stopped. I went to work and I went to uni, because those are things that are pretty useful to keep on doing. But, No Yoga, No Gym, No Squash, No Climbing. Lots of climbing into bed when I felt like it when I got home. Lots of sleeping on the way to and from work (we car share, it’s great – I get to snooze. Which is pretty perfect for me because I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.)

Gradually I started to feel the bone, aching weariness lift and sure enough, the same pressures I feel when I’m full of energy returned full force. Mostly I can’t say no, or feel comfortable taking time for myself.

I do. Eventually. Then I convince myself that the other person has a huge problem with this and then I feel all martyred and then I feel angry and about two weeks down the line, I figure out that hey! this was all my crap anyway.

So this week I gave myself permission to do this guilt free and, being aware of my tendencies to project my rubbish onto others, when I felt a little paranoid I simply checked in to see if this was gut feelings or simply a pattern being a pattern. Things were going well.

Then last night I was full of a bloated tummy, feeling as if I was going to morph into a hippo since I hadn’t done any exercise all week and generally grouchy. So I decided to do a meditation/ journal thingy before bed to see what was coming up.

So I started off… feeling fat… blah blah yadda yadda… scared… body letting me down… then out of the blue…. I’m fed up of always feeling second best around so and so, I’m sick of feeling as if I always have to compete to justify my feelings or interpretations of the world. Blah blah. But I was a smart enough cookie to realise that I was onto something so that’s when I decided to meditate.

In I went, right down into the bloatyness and discomfort, expecting to find a child wanting to be creative, or money issues, or support issues or whatever.

I found a strong and courageous woman, filled with wisdom. It was me. You know what I said to myself?

NO MORE WAITING IN THE WINGS.

Wow. I mean… Wow. (Considering I’ve recently been labelled the drama queen amongst friends this made me chuckle a bit.)

But that’s it – Inside I wanted to step forward into my own life and start playing the lead. Making the choices about what I want to do, and if others really do have a problem with this, maybe letting them know that that’s their problem and not mine.

I also expressed my concerns over feeling exhausted and not doing any exercise and I discovered that all I really wanted to do was go for a ride. Something I’ve been avoiding since about October last year.

So today, I went for a ride. Not a long one, and mostly a road ride.

I came home and felt more relaxed and elated than I have in a long time.

Then I got into my pyjamas, told my friends that no I wasn’t going out to the movies tonight, I was curling up in bed with the telly. To relax. Because that’s what my body wanted to do.

And the anxiety slipped away.

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Randomness

Random mood today: Completely unimpressed by life, the universe and everything and inclined to feeling grumpy, cynical and nonplussed.

Mostly I’m just exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

The last few weeks have been pretty mental physically, but mostly my fed-up-mess ness feels like I am just bloody sick of trying.

The Thing is with Trying is that It’s a LOT like Should.

Trying to meet this perfect someone, trying to be funny, trying to be deep and meaningful, trying to be kind, trying to be everywhere at once, trying to do a million things in a finite amount of time. You get the picture. So mostly I’m fed up of this and today I just felt like saying STOP. So I did. I stopped and it feels bloody marvellous.

Feeling Undeserving

This is a pretty random post. Anyway I wanted to talk about feeling undeserving. My lovely friends Joely and Sarah have been talking about this stuff for weeks, so I’m just catching up. (Actually, I’ve been busy writing about some other stuff, mostly to do with self acceptance but hey ho.)

Sooooo… what’s this all about? Well, on Saturday, I bought myself a lovely Sony a200. I’ve wanted a digital SLR cameral for ages and so I figured, well, why not like buy one duh?

I’m about to go on a fantastic snowboarding holiday in Austria.

I’ve spoiled myself a bit lately buying lovely clothes that are both technical and very lovely.

Okay, so I’ve been giving myself nice stuff.

I’m panicking.

There’s a voice inside me that’s shouting, jumping up and down and threatening to have a temper tantrum. So I’m like, “okay well, let’s have it then. Whaddya have to say?”

Voice: You CAN’T spend this on yourself!

Me: But I just did…

Voice: It’s all going to run out. You’re being stupid. PANIC

Me: Seriously? You’ve looked at the bank balance. You know it’s there. I’m going to be paid, got a surprise bursary (thank you Universe) etc etc.

Voice: Yeah but still.

Me: So what’s this really about? Are you scared?

Voice (in a little voice): yeah…. I’m scared that someone’s going to come along and tell me I don’t deserve it. That, if things go wrong and you have to sort them out, that you’ll hate me and tell me it’s all my fault. These things have never really been available to me before, I’m just worried that I don’t deserve them???

I also had a conversation with my sister today about needing a holiday and I realised that I haven’t been able to slow down, be lazy, look after myself, get spoiled, look after myself because I’m not sure I deserve it. I struggle to say no to my friends and be clear to them about what I need because I’m not sure I deserve to have that time to myself and that they’ll support me on that.

Jeez, it’s just like happiness. What’s with us and our mindsets telling us we’re not worth shit? I think this might be a work in progress, but mostly I’ve just settled with reassuring my little voice that I think it is worth it, even potential financial disaster. Besides, I get to play – with a new camera. Yippee! Remember what I said about giving my fear more of a chance to be creative? Well this is it.


Another Voice
Okay, I have to be honest here: what comes hand in hand with being desperate for approval (and who isn’t) is the feeling of wanting to shout out, “NOTICE ME! I’M HERE, I WANT YOU TO SEE ME AND THINK I’M COOL TOO.”

You know when your friends are all having a really cool conversation and you feel left out? So you try to compensate by being whatever it is you think you have to be in order to grab their attention. Really, it leaves me feeling just a little prostituted.

Today, when I caught myself feeling like this I decided to maybe just recognise myself. It made a difference.

I think my point is this: It really does seem possible to give myself what I need; just by noticing what it is that I need. Like…. DOH.

Last bit…. promise

Where I admit to still being in love with my ex. Yup the one who had me all screwed up in October. The one who blew in and out of my life in a couple of months. Still in my mind/ heart, taking it all up. And that’s cool. Seriously it is, because he was a good guy, I got on brilliantly with him, we had loads in common, we never shut up together, we could play, in fact, he basically ticked most of the boxes. Except he was really young and a bit bloody stupid. (That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it J)

The other day, I decided to stop shoulding on myself that I should meet someone and that he should be Mr Right for me. Maybe I shouldn’t … Maybe where I am right now is okay and pretty perfect for me right now. Especially since, you know, I’ve still got feeling for my ex and stuff…

Anyway, it takes a shed load of the pressure off.

End of Randomness… Promise.

Welcoming myself back.

Just a random thought

This morning I was reading a post by the unstoppable, genius Joely Black where she talks about creating this amazing world called Amnar. I was reminded then – we’re so afraid to fill our boots, of our potential, of the enormity that we can accomplish, just by being us. When we’re true to ourselves and follow that we can accomplish such greatness.

Thing is right – being us – frigging hard work sometimes. So much worrying about what others might think. We’re worried if we let our light shine out brightly that we might blind people, and you know, since we’re nice people, we wouldn’t want that.

Coming home

I’ve been meaning, since I wrote about giving my fear a Wendy house, to write about what’s been happening to me since.

It awoke an awareness of how much of myself I reject. I am so scared of rejection and yet I spend a huge amount of time rejecting myself. The irony is…. Well, it’s there.

I reject my anxiety, my worry, anything I think might make people not like me, my insecurity – oh basically anything that isn’t sweetness and light. Yes, all of it fear.

So now, whenever I notice one of these things playing out and I notice my rejection of it, I have been practicing saying, “Oh hello and welcome. Here’s your finger paint and there’s the swing set. You’re most welcome here little one.”

She hasn’t had anything of huge importance to say to me, except perhaps, “Accept me please.”

For the last few weeks I’ve been feeling as if bits of me have been coming home.

Is this self acceptance?

Why yes, I think it could be. The start of it at least.

It’s not: “I feel this and I think I’m okay anyway.”

It’s not: “I’m a good, wonderful person and I’ll pay no attention to these feelings because they just get in the way. Positive thinking, positive thinking now.”

It is not forced.

It is loving the whole of you. Recognising that fear makes us deliciously human and it’s okay to accept fear as a friend.

It is listening and having no opinion as to whether or not this feeling is valid.

It is peaceful, gentle and pretty gorgeous.

It’s bloody powerful that’s what it is.

Wanted – a hunka hunka burnin’ love

Because putting it out there seems to work *somehow*.

Oh I think that title might get me into all sorts of trouble with search engines. Then again that’s assuming search engines will be searching for me. So, needless panic over.

Well a little while ago now I wrote a personal ad that wasn’t one and created a sumptuous dilemma for me to ponder upon, whereby I got to choose my right man. So my Britta jug brain has been filtering all my thought processes and finally here we have it:

“You’re a funny, complex, divine, real flesh & blood human being who’ll inspire my respect and fill me with a little bit of awe and wonder. In return, you’ll be absolutely fascinated in getting to know me as the complex, wonderful person that I am too.

You’ll love to play and have fun. You’ll understand creativity and, in addition, you are responsible and take responsibility for yourself.

I’ll find you gorgeous (but of course) because I’ll be attracted to you both physically and emotionally.

Since I’m into sports, particularly the outdoor ones with a little hint of the extreme, we’ll have some of those interests in common too. You know, it’s absolutely not a problem for me if you’re a little bit of an adrenaline junkie, just as long as you take me with cos I’d like to join in the fun.

Naturally you’ll be a caring and sensitive soul and loving me won’t be a problem for you, nor will being in love with me, or communicating this stuff to me. Of course, you know, the stuff in bed (or out of it) will work and works bloody well, in fact, let’s just say it will sizzle.

Do I need to mention the whole no cheating/ funny business/ messing me about thing? No, of course not, because you’re just not that kind of guy.

I completely love your sense of adventure and the way you like to travel. We have similar interests and because of this we’ll be able to interact/ integrate in each other’s lives happily.

In between having me in hysterics from laughing, you’re happy to listen when I need it and talk when you need it. You choose to grow consciously and are able to engage in other people’s growth/ progress (ok, just mine if we’re being pedantic). You care and take care.

You’re comfortable being assertive and you’re not too shy to talk to me or tell me what you want. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

We fit well into each other’s lives with our respective friends and family enjoying each other’s company.

The particulars! You’re single and looking for the right person too. You’re about my age or a little older. There will be no complicated exes to deal with. You’ll come into my life easily and naturally (not speed dating, internet dating yuck ok).

Lastly, but most definitely not least: You bloody well exist!”

That’s not too much is it? J