BLAH!!!

Ok, I’ve decided to just give in… Generally I try really hard to put a positive spin on stuff (although that may not come across), I think very carefully about what I write and why I write it, but at the moment I feel BLAH.

I’ve decided that this year ranks up THERE with the most challenging years you could ever hope to avoid. To be frank, most of the time I’ve felt rubbish and hated myself for doing so (see Learning) and I’ve just been hoping and hoping and hoping that it will all get better – soon please. So I’ve poured my heart out to friends and family and felt guilty about it (due to all the voices in Learning), I’ve written about it, journalled about it, cried an awful lot, slowly healed and then done it all again. And again…

Now I’m exhausted with it all. I’m tired of the crying – yes it does help but not enough; I’m tired of pouring my heart out – you poor people must be fed up; I’m tired of trying to heal – urging the process to “hurry up would you” does not hurry the process up one jot!

I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up next year.

HAPPY…

With no stress…

No worrying about what people think…

No wondering what the hell I did wrong and, “shit is this karma? Was I absolutely the most evil person ever in my last life or something, because please, PLEASE, please let there be a reason for all this CRAP going on in my life.”

I’d like a break please… and lots of hugs – I need a lot of those – they really do help.

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Learning…

“Occasionally she would almost forget what she had learned and make the mistake of doing or giving more rather than less when she was feeling uneasy with herself. Still, always her back or shoulder aches would come to remind her to stop, to go inward at such times to find where she wasn’t loving herself exactly as she was at the moment-unfinished, imperfect, and all.”

“You MUST stop feeling like this!” A big voice inside me shouts,

“Withdraw these negative feelings and replace them with positives no matter what. You can not feel like this, it is absolutely not allowed!

To feel like this is weakness… it is distrusted, unworthy of attention, affection or notice; to feel like this equals rejection. So stop – immediately.”

A little voice inside says, “That makes me feel squashed and unacceptable.”

“It is unacceptable.” The big voice rages

“Oh right.” Says the little voice and goes away feeling unacceptable.

And so I feel unacceptable, because the little voice is actually a big voice. Because the little voice will not content its self with being pushed in the corner. It will be heard.

Meanwhile the big voice tries hard to be nice, pleasant, pleasing, funny, likeable, loveable, warm, marvellous, angelic… perfect, and succeeds mostly, but it doesn’t stop the little voice from feeling unheard.

Fear is added to the little voice. Now it says, “I feel like this [insert feeling] but I had better not because the BIG VOICE will find out and will be all shouty and scary.”

“It’s okay!” sighs the little voice, “I don’t really feel like that [insert feeling]. Just don’t shout at me and I promise not to feel that feeling.”

Then the realisation of the paradox – the big voice is the little voice. The little voice is the big voice! Confusion reigns. How can they be one? How can they be two? How can I make them shut up!?

By listening…

There is a calm place inside me that I can go, where there is quiet, acceptance and peace. There is a wise understanding, compassionate acceptance and an ironic chuckle at the din being created by the voices. It is here that I can go to listen and actually understand what is really going on inside me. By doing this I quiet the noise of feeling like a scaredy cat to life.

Robyn’s words at the top of the page grabbed me as I read them. I realised in a moment that this is exactly what I do when feeling uneasy with myself – I try harder to make the voices quiet, suppressing them with guilt, anxiety and pure stubborness. It’s a vicious cycle when it sets in. But I can take a step back and a step inwards, I can find the calm place where I am able to nurture the little voice. Just the small moment of realisation, of thinking, “hang on – I have a choice here” is a release of tension and it all gets better from there on in. I stop fighting myself and begin to listen.

 

Questions and Answers

I’ve shamelessly stolen this off some one else’s facebook notes. I loved it & so decided to do it 🙂

DO YOU SNORE? If I’m really, really tired. Then I wake myself up laughing at myself. Mostly, I drool.

LOVER OR A FIGHTER? Can I be both – surely this depends on the situation?

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR? The worst one? I have to pick just one… Yikes.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER? I had blocks… does that count? I made castles for my little ponies.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY TV”? who invented it? this is a fighter situation.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? No, unless I’m very very hungry

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? As cute as could be – what happened?!

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? Liberating and fun.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? Grey

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? No

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? Would love to… one day this will change to yes.

ANY SECRET TALENTS? weeeelllll…. I can do this little thing…. Nope.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? Mana Pools or my bed

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI? Yes

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE “DONNIE DARKO”? no

DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE? yes

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? a what? I thought tootsies were toes?

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? I could try but I would have to stick my tongue out to think and then I wouldn’t be able to sing.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? yes

ARE SPEEDO’S HOT? Oh baby, oh baby. NO

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? It’s complicated

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? Stupid, stupid question. Does it matter? Hmmm HMMM?! Ok… who knows I’ll get out my crystal ball… or the tarot cards

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? Penicillin and Sulphur and stuff that gives me hayfever in Autumn. I’m a freak.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU”? Last night – think I actually said, “love you lots and lots”

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE? Not really relevant to me

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS? No, they are for laughing and dancing and eating and drinking.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? all ways. I love love love eggs.

ARE BLONDES DUMB? what happens if you dye your hair blonde? Do you automatically become as stupid as this question. Eeejits thought this one up. My real answer is no, there are just lots of dumb people out there. Like the people who wrote this question.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? It’s obvious – the sock goblins get them. They wear them on their ears durrr.

WHAT TIME IS IT? 10:30

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME? Many

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING? Yes but their milkshakes are still lovely.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? Last night.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Neither – both can be lovely.

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? YES – who do you think gives you the pressies.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? Depends what’s in it.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? Bed

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? Both make me feel sick.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? Yes and they were lovely to me and made me feel as if I wasn’t going to die after all. Turns out they were right. Lovely people.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? None, cos I’m lazy and still in bed.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? It is for me.

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS? No, a duvet and dressing gown.

HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED? too scaredy pants

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Blue (actually I’m going to be creative and start saying Indigo)

WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Last week

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? YES,YES,YES

WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER? than?

ARE YOU PSYCHIC? yes – oooooohhhh watch out – i know what you’re going to do. heh heh heh

HAVE YOU READ “CATCHER IN THE RYE”? No, maybe one day if i fancy it.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? Once i did

CAN YOU SKATEBOARD? this should be phrased can you skateboard well… I’m sure I can, I’ll just have lots of bruises at the end.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? Love it

DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH? No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? Yes

IS A DOG A MAN’S BEST FRIEND? Stupid question.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? Stupid question. This is me – duh.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? I tried a while ago… It made a lot of people laugh.

DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE? I have a myspace?????!!!! Not even I knew.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Toast and marmalade

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH? If i can be arsed

DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? Yes

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? Cillit Bang

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? Guessing the answer to this is no, since I don’t know what american eagle is.

FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? There are too many to choose just one.

NEW BLOG

Welcome, welcome to the new blog. I greatly suspect it’ll be much like the old one – just a new address 🙂

I can’t think of anything to say – I’m still navel gazing, it’s just that AOL made me spring into action and create a new blog by saying they’re shutting down all the AOL Journals and it all looked so lonely on here without any posts.

So this is the first one. Ooooh – I do like new beginnings….