Crying

Today has not started as a good day. At least it doesn’t feel that way. There is still the cloud and overwhelming desire to cry and cry which just won’t go away. It seems an absurd reaction to nothing. I am terrified that it is depression making a come back (frankly to slip away from it all unnoticed feels very, very attractive today) and I am hopeful that it is hormones instead.

My horoscope urges me to positivity today. How on god’s earth that is supposed to happen I have no idea. I can’t see any gifts, simply loneliness overwhelming me and urging that I am worthless and what is the point?

A little voice whispered to me that you don’t get up because others love you, you get up for yourself. I think this might be truth but I am feeling too swamped by this grief to comprehend and for it to bring relief. Perhaps if I just write it down it will help.

I don’t want to be this mess. I really don’t. I just want to be loved. That is all. To be loved and to know it. For the whispering voice that thunders,”WORTHLESS,” to disappear, given a hug and replaced by one which knows it it loved dearly. For the daily reminders which show me how little value I am of to anyone other than myself to be held up to the light and burnt off, shown to be false; being out of context interpretations which have been twisted in my own mind to make an impact. Wanting instead a calm and steady sense of value to root me and guide me through the maelstrom of life.

This is my act of kindness to myself today. To take the words out of my head and to put them down on here so that there can be some stillness. I have lead myself back from here time and time before and I can do so again today. Out of love. For myself. Because you get up and you show up, for yourself.

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