Scared Bean


In a two weeks time I become self employed.

I cut my hours down at my current job to a fraction of what they are now.

I earn peanuts as it is there so….


The thing is though, that even though I am not prepared for this in any way really (unless the obsessive thinking counts as preparation) and even though I am terrified, this is my thing (you know – the thing) and I truly believe I have to give myself a chance to do it.

I am a scared bean.

A jelly bean in the most quivering sense of the word.

There is no bravado here, no “Rah Rah! I’m doing this so help me god.”

Unhelpful help…

I discovered today that when you’re terrified and quivering like a jelly bean over your chosen way, it really doesn’t help to have other ways suggested to you.

Even when they come from the most loving and helpful place imaginable.

It has taken enormous amounts of courage to reach this stage where I trust myself enough to do this and to do this in my own way.

Suggestions to do it any other way sound like criticisms, even though they are not and I know they are not.

Trusting yourself is a most tentative process.

When starting out in new things people are most forthcoming with their helpful suggestions about how to do it, or what your options are.

I find myself picturing myself holding a large spear with which to wield madly at the encroaching circle of “helpfulness”

Wanted: A band of outlaws

To stand in the centre of the circle with me and to have my back.

Who are with me, because it’s me and so why wouldn’t they stand with me?


Soul Family. (Permission granted to throw up now)


6 Responses

  1. Permission to throw up is granted! You’re not alone, my dear. I’m still making decisions that terrify me and it’s been 3 years since that first one. So, so excited for you. Welcome to the OMG AAAAAAGGH!!!! Club.

  2. @Kelly – Ah, thank you. It is so good to know that this terrified feeling is not unusual. So tempting to think that it is.

    The OMG AAAAAAGH!!!! Club should be official I think. *Love it!*

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Fabeku Fatunmise, SecretWormy. SecretWormy said: Ahem… why yes! I have finally gotten around to writing a post. […]

  4. Wormy! Woo!

    Yes, yes, yes! Just because we’re scared out of our senses, it doesn’t mean we’ve lost them. And yes! Just because we don’t sound rock solid sure of ourselves, it doesn’t mean that we aren’t following our own truth, thank you very much, and whatever suggestions, however lovingly made, are just not going to cut it thank you very much! RAR!

    Ok, that was cathartic for me, just a little bit. Hearing this one loud and clear! Congrats on the self employed thing (though for me it’s just a more respectable way to say unemployed at the moment). And keep protecting your boundaries, from someone who’s desperately trying to learn what the means.

    Spears at the ready…

  5. Can I join the OMG AAAAAGH!!! Club, too? I’m transitioning to self-employed also (well, lost my job last year, working part time now and wanting badly to have my own THING).

    I love what James said – just because we don’t always sound (or feel) rock solid sure of ourselves it doesn’t mean we aren’t doing the right thing! AMEN to that my friend. If it wasn’t so long, I’d tattoo it on my forehead.

    (Stumbled on your terrific blog while wander around the Comfort Cafe . . .)

  6. I am super late to this party but…

    I’ll be in your band of outlaws 🙂

    I also think you’re brilliant, and that you’ll be fine, no matter what.

    But oof, yes sscaryyy! So scary. But wonderful, yes?

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