A small aside on being one of the Divorced Club

I’ve just been reading Jen Louden’s account of being divorced over on her site and her Choose your Life Monday’s post.

Whenever I read about other people’s accounts of being divorced a great big, “Me too!” fills my heart and my eyes well with tears, as I recognise that I’m not alone in my experience, even if my experience differs.

Jen writes, “What I didn’t know before I got divorced is the divorce never ends” and she accounts for the sadness that sometimes swamps her over.

Until this moment I did not recognise this in myself.

I’ve recently been swamped by sadness over a relationship that ended and it has confused me utterly.

Whilst I’ve allowed that confusion to be there and work its way to the surface quite happily without moving to fix it and I’ve journalled madly about it and had some astounding, as ever, insights about the whys and wherefores of the sad, reading Jen’s post woke a bit of recognition in me.

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to stop pretending that really it was nothing big. (I am so good at this that my friends forget that I am divorced).

Perhaps one day I’ll be able to validate the very real pain of ending a marriage and let myself feel that without being afraid of being utterly overcome by it.

I may one day be able to cradle those lost dreams with tenderness and some distance, rather than just feeling the pain of “those are my dreams down the pan and I wonder if I’ll ever, ever get a second chance?”

Perhaps one day I’ll remember that it’s okay to feel this way even if there were no children involved and no big kerfuffle in the course of being divorced.

A smooth transaction does not necessarily mean a painless one.

I’m making such a life for myself as a singleton you would not believe, I will never doubt that I did the right thing, but still…

There is pain and until I’m ready to accept that pain for what it is, I’m going to let it be okay for smaller, more everyday things hold up the mirror to the process and let them take the blame.

Because that’s okay too.

I might go away and have a little cry too, just for now.


5 Responses

  1. I do the same thing although mine is more about “I should be grateful for how easy it has been and how supportive we are of parenting and blah blah blah.” It is what it is and denying it – or wallowing it – doesn’t seem to serve me. Now if I could just remember that!

  2. This smooth transaction thing- Yes- on the surface- it can all seem simple, but underneath, divorce can be a roiling boil of grief and questions about love and loss and self-esteem and all sorts of things.

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling the effects of this! Ah! I’ve been there too, and it’s very hard.

    What I’m so impressed by is your willingness to accept yourself and your process and to be loving to yourself. That’s beautiful, and therein is the technique for experiencing this with clarity and hope.

  3. […] Go here to see the original: A small aside on being one of the Divorced Club « The Secret Life … […]

  4. Okay, I’ve wanted to comment here on this for months, but until today (until I publicly outed myself on my blog as being a member of The Club) I didn’t feel like I really could. But these days are about giving myself permission for lots of things, and commenting here is one of them.

    So, thanks for this “A smooth transaction does not necessarily mean a painless one.” Thank you, thank you, thank you. So many people have said, “Well, you’ll get it over it soon enough because at least you don’t have kids, you’re still young … yadda yadda” And I want to say, but it hurts! Even now, even months into it. And I think it’s going to for a while. And I suppose that’s okay. I suppose somehow that honors all the years we spent together. Anyway, thanks for this post. ANd Jen for hers. It is nice to not feel so alone.

  5. @Diane Absolutely! It does hurt, so much, because there’s history to say goodbye to and changes to accept that you never imagined you’d be accepting. It’s big – no matter what and the pain is relevant always. And while people try to make you feel better by trying to get you to see the sunny side and you may try to make yourself feel better by discovering yourself again and it feels all new, there is still a hurt which takes a while, quite a while to heal. Hugs to you my lovely – gazillion hugs. xx

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