You’re Invited!

It is 3am, I can’t sleep and I’m throwing myself a pity party.

I have hot chocolate, ginger beer and am considering gorging on rhubarb cake with double cream (but I may wait until I am feeling a little peckish before making myself feel sick!) and shopping channels on quietly in the background to keep me company.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t allow myself the time to get up, make a drink and give my thoughts free range as I would be worrying about getting some sleep in order to function tomorrow, but as it is the weekend some of the pressure is off.

So what’s this all about?

In all honesty, I am not sure.

Permission…

Acknowledgement…

Validity…

All three?

Perhaps.

Most of all it is about sharing, because it is easy, when writing to present the hard as something easily and quickly moved through.

To assume that confidence is easily obtained by a decision made and then instantly implemented as if by the wave of a wand…

What then when you’re sitting there thinking, “WAAAAH, Why me??!!”

Well, in all actuality I think you are entitled to it, it is a valid process and necessary.

Trying to gloss over, deny the feelings or force past them, in my experience, is only going make them louder.

Here’s my story

I started back at university today. We have changed universities this year, essentially upgrading our course to one with content that we are happy with.

So, something new and exciting, positive and wonderful? Yes! I loved it.

But, with anything new there is a part which is threatened.

First off, it’s in Bristol.

What’s wrong with Bristol? You ask.

Nothing… it is a great city with a vibrant buzz and lots of bicycles and joggers. It is also a city with history for me, history which is a little raw.

Driving there, knowing there was absolutely no chance of running into that history today did not stop the butterflies in my tummy and the need to take deep breaths and of course, it was just there…on my mind, at the back of things, wondering…

As we dashed from lecture to lecture, in between trying to register (we’ve both bucked the system this year and applied late, ensuring certain chaos with the process -great stuff), growing ever more weary I found myself struggling to keep my chin up as my thoughts graduated from, “It’s my first day, yay! New friends, new people, new course!” to, “No one’s going to want to know me. Holy cow there’s a lot of work involved and goodness, everyone is so young here. Yikes! Some of these people are ten years younger than me. Aaaargh, that’s it, I’m no longer young. I’m barely even youngish anymore. It’s all a disaster yada yada.”

Until we find ourselves here, middle of the night with our brain ticking over and over and over and over again.

Common practice

Traditionally, I think it is tempting to not allow these thoughts the time of day.

We tell ourselves to buck up and get on, that it is ridiculous to entertain this self pity and that of course it is not the case that no one is going to love you.

Traditional for me at least!

However, I’m also learning that self acceptance really is about accepting all facets of myself and that includes the part of me that throws a strop and dramatically refuses to go back to sleep because everything is a disaster.

Asking myself what it is that I need during this time I come to understand that what it is I am after is acknowledgement.

For it to be safe to say that is has been hard over the past two years, and most especially the last few months as well as positive change.

I have grown in all directions, expanding my confidence in myself and learning about myself in an intense way whilst releasing so much and changing patterns dramatically.

So amazingly positive.

So bloody hard.

All I want from myself is permission to stop and catch my breath.

Yes, the view from here is lovely and well worth the climb, yes I’m fit enough to make the climb, but the climb was still a climb and required me to be fit and to expend myself to get to the top.

I’d like some acknowledgement that I’ve done well to meet this challenge with such proficiency.

My message to myself:

Is this:

“Hi honey, you did so well today! All that newness and apprehension – you completely took it in your stride and dealt with it beautifully – no drama – which means that this listening to yourself thingy really is working and you could enjoy your day. Thank you for giving yourself permission to be scared and anxious and still move forward, thank you for listening and giving yourself permission to feel all this “stuff” that has come up tonight. You did brilliantly today, we did brilliantly, I did brilliantly – thank you.”

 

Ahhh, it’s all good like J

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