A Most Terrible Word…

Loneliness.

I can’t even spell it properly.

Spell checker just corrected me. Ha!

Waking up this morning, I was aware of the heavy feeling I’ve had around my heart the past few weeks.

“What is this?” I asked myself, feeling confused and more than a little frustrated with not being able to identify what it is exactly that has been dogging me.

The answer fired straight back at me:

Loneliness

In a quest for transparency and modeling accepting the uncomfortable feelings along with welcoming and celebrating the super comfortable feelings, I decided to write about it.

My first thought is – what a god awful feeling it is too.

So uncomfortable and empty.

Leaving me looking for ways to fill the emptiness, with what feels like increasing desperation over the years, in a bid to avoid it.

Time to stop me thinks.

No more running and time to begin acceptance.

Actually… I am scared

There have been some times in my life when loneliness has absolutely engulfed me, so that I have to confess to being actively afraid of loneliness.

Or rather the feeling of total powerlessness I have when I feel lonely.

So to stop, just stop, is scary.

To turn around and look at this – it is scary.

To stop, turn, look, recognize, still not run and think about saying hello, is….Scary- With- a- Capital- S.

But I guess that over the past few years I’ve become a lot more accustomed to accepting myself, it no longer feels quite so daunting and un-do-able as it once used to.

I have methods for keeping myself safe during these processes that I didn’t used to have.

The methods are designed to avoid overwhelm, so it is a bit easier these days to look at the uncomfortable stuff that comes up than it once used to be.

I’m more inclined, on recognizing discomfort, to stop and think, “hmm, interesting” rather than run away in fear.

Not that there is anything wrong in running away in fear.

Unless you’re a kung foo expert or similar, there are many situations both physical and emotional where it is probably healthier to run away screaming for help.

Take, for instance, being faced with a ninja. Stopping and thinking, “Hmmmm, interesting” will probably result in KAPOW!

At least if you run away screaming you may make the ninja laugh (I would if I was a ninja) or you’d feel better letting all the noise out – loudly.

Oh c’mon! You get my point – surely!

Need

Is what loneliness feels like to me.

Sometimes a little niggle and sometimes a gaping, unquenchable, bottomless need.

Need to feel whole, to feel connected, to feel loved, to feel validated, to feel wanted.

I don’t know about you, but to me these are needs I feel ashamed to admit to.

It means that I’m vulnerable. I’m not perfect and I don’t have all my bases covered, and that means someone can hurt me.

Oh hell.

This is what stopping, turning and looking bring to me.

A recognition of what is, and the feelings associated with that.

The start of the conversation is getting to know one another before moving on to the next step.

What the next step will be will show itself in due course I imagine.