Inspired No Brainers

I read Victoria’s post about No Brainer decisions this morning and it made me think about my work situation.

Work is stressing me out BIG time.

To be fair, there is much going on inside me that is stressing me out BIG time too, but the work situation does not help.

In short, not a single one of us knows where our next project is going to be.

The road is finished, we have the final account to sort out and the official opening to attend and then…. we’re done.

The cabins are being off-hired at the end of October. We honestly don’t know where we’ll be setting up our lap tops on the 1st November.

We can speculate, but not one of us has had any communication that leads to any sort of confidence in the future.

So yeah, stressful.

Victoria’s post made me wonder what my No Brainer Job would be and I have this:

No Brainer Job

You are based in the South or South East. Close to my family, close to my friends.

There is countryside around for me to play in. Because countryside is important to me.

You will not take over my whole life, so that I have time to play with my family and friends and time to play in the countryside and to do other “me time” things like sewing and painting and writing and meditating etc.

You are well paid and an exciting project with ample opportunity for me to develop my contract interpreting and dispute resolving skills, and my QS skills.

You know I love the contract and I love getting into the nitty gritty of it. I love the mechanism of it and it find it interesting and stimulating to look at the contract and make it work like it’s supposed to. You’ll love that about me. It will be something that is so attractive to you about me.

You’ll have direction, you won’t be all wishy washy about where’s next. You’ll offer excitement and stimulation and you’ll stretch me just the right amount.

You also pay for my university course.

I can move there easily and there’s somewhere for me to stay that is affordable and likes my kitties.

Ideally, my housemate would be able to move with me to her next project. But if not – somewhere friendly and affordable and clean will do me perfectly.

You show yourself quite soon, because this not knowing – ugh, it’s driving me nutella. You don’t have to start soon; you just have to be visible as the next step.

So there you go. That’s what you are. If you showed up – boy oh boy I would be bloody over the moon.

In other news

If I’m perfectly honest I’ve been struggling.

Mostly things have felt very heavy on my heart and my shoulders are more than a little tense.

I realized the other day that this is because I’ve been unconsciously stressed out like hell, but the past few weeks/ months haven’t helped either and it feels a little like I’ve lost my spark.

I miss my spark.

I’m conscious also of sounding all doom and gloom when really, I’m not.

I’m just finding it hard.

Okay, just admitting that makes me want to cry.

I’m trying very hard to put a brave face on but really, I’m finding it hard to adjust to loosing a relationship that, truthfully, I really wanted. I thought my ad had been answered and it turns out it hasn’t and that is very, very hard (that is the only word for it) to adjust to.

On many levels.

There’s the “oh I miss you and I miss this relationship” level and there’s the “good god – this totally throws all my theories out of whack I think. Oh shit, what do I believe now?” level.

To be fair to myself – I’ve done a sterling job of being lovely to myself through all of this and I’ve sat with all the discomfort and that has been a huge comfort.

But really here’s what I want (in addition, of course, to the ad):

A companion. To be vulnerable with. To be myself unreservedly with because I am pretty damned fantastic when I am unreserved.

To share fun times with and hard times. To love and to know that he’s taking care of his shit whilst I take care of mine.

He does not expect me to “make him happy or make him feel loved.” He knows that this is only something that he can do, but he does know that being with me makes him happy and he knows that I love him hugely. He reminds me to be accountable for myself when I need reminding and visa versa.

For this to be something that lasts, because I’m tired of all the change and the uppy downiness of recent events and I’m tired of being scared that things just won’t last. So I’m ready to welcome in some stability to my life. (Gasp! This is me! Saying I welcome stability! You see – growth happens people.)

I have already made a commitment to stability by refusing to run from the discomfort of the past two months and all the stuck and hard that they have brought up.

Ordinarily by now I’d have packed my bags, grabbed my cats and moved to the Amazon or Japan.

Somewhere big, different and fully of things to cope with to hide the discomfort and hurts.

I am truly ready to share the wholeness of me with a suitable wonderful person who wants the same thing.

My commitment to myself is to be careful with my heart.

It’s a fragile thing and I won’t be throwing it into situations where it is at great risk or easy risk.

In other words I’m not going to go around blindly kissing loads of frogs, growing more and more despondent that they stay frogs.

My commitment is to continue learning to love myself and to be gentle with myself; learning to accept all parts of myself and to express them.

The more I love myself the more I can love others you see.

My commitment is to not hide my heart. As scary as being mindfully vulnerable can be, I also believe it is the way for me.

Being mindfully vulnerable is not hiding from the hurt, most especially from myself.

It is sitting with it, not trying to change it, move it, fade it or fix it.

Just letting it express, knowing that it is perfectly okay, perfectly acceptable for the feelings to be felt and expressed safely.

All the while, making sure I’m in a safe environment.

You could be someone new I meet or am introduced to, by accident, through work, through a friend.

You could be someone I know already and turn around and say “Wake up! I’m here already. Have been for a while silly.” Or something similar, like sending me a text or phoning me and saying – “let’s meet, no really let’s.”

You could happen by magic to be in the right place at the right time and I’ll remember to respond to friendly conversation.

I’m open to surprises. Especially good ones.

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