Rejection Stuck/ Suck

Gah! So first off, my work server has now decided to block Twitter.

Boo! To my work server, although I can see the point.

It is a very good place to procrastinate and endlessly click refresh when one does not want to do any work.

But bloody hell! Some of my favourite people hang out there and now I can’t join in. *Stamps feet and pouts*

Secondly, some really serious stuck has showed up over the last few days and in an effort to welcome it and not push it away, I introduce my belief in rejection.

Introducing

Me, little at boarding school for the first time. Hopelessly confused and scared shitless with no way to deal with it – because I was six.

Personally, I deeply resent the way that school was run. It wasn’t child friendly. It was like military school, and I guess in a way it probably had to be to cope in the circumstances.

Still. It didn’t help with how I was feeling.

I also hold no anger over being sent there or why – I know why and I know that it was not because I wasn’t loved deeply, because I was and I am and I know this now.

Right, so caveats dealt with.

Being scared shitless and confused beyond all knowing I proceeded to have a great many temper tantrums and this lead to me feeling very isolated. Kids don’t want to hang out with shouty people no matter how tall or short they are.

Cutting a long story short, I ended up feeling very afraid of this shouty part of me and on leaving that school I decided to no longer let that shouty part out. I would find another way I thought.

Hey, it worked – I made friends.

Fast Forward

Meeting my ex, falling in love with my ex, discovering he hated the shouty part (actually scared shitless part) of me even more than I did.

Stuffing it down even further so that I would not be rejected again.

To be fair – it worked, again.

I’ll say this – as a survival/ coping mechanism this worked. I made myself “acceptable” to people and I was accepted.

But it was hard work, very hard work and I was always scared of being discovered for being this horrid shouty person that I really thought I was.

I was so scared of being rejected once this discovery was made that it didn’t matter much that I was slowly loosing all my sparkle and joie de vivre. I was becoming a shadow of myself.

Until I remembered slowly that I used to be a different person, a happier person, a sparklier person and I missed that person.

One thing lead to another and today you find me

Ta Da!

Quite a sparkly person to be fair.

Over the past year and a half I have reclaimed so much of myself and the difference in how I feel about myself is remarkable.

Mostly this is because I’ve given myself space to feel everything that has come up.

Boy have there been a lot of tears.

Holy cow, there have been so many precious, precious moments that seem to jump out in sharp colour, full of joy.

I’m becoming quite used to the idea of Self Acceptance. I have conversations with Dominatrix ladies in my shoulder blades, I give my fear a wendy house to play in. I have bizarre methods but they work for me.

In the spirit of this, an event has sparked a huge response in me and I’ve found myself puzzling over how out of proportion the response has been until last night when I realised that it has opened up a lifetime hurts and rejections and it is these that I face now and am trying to accept and sit with.

Because history…

Well, there is a lot of it but it starts with the little six year old girl learning about rejection and through circumstance and nothing else, not being able to deal with it in a healthy way. Well I was six.

Six years became twelve and I started to believe that the only way to be acceptable was to reject a massive part of me. The part that shouts when I get scared or unhappy.

Like I said, I’ve done a very good job of rejecting this part of me, telling it that it’s the reason I’m not loveable. If it shows up, I’m not loveable.

Realising that one of my core beliefs is that I get rejected. That’s my story. I get rejected. Full stop.

Funny then, (not so funny, just ironic and cynical really) that I seem to get rejected a lot or that I notice and hurt when I get rejected.

Yikes. Sometimes we’re so mean to ourselves.

I went through all the philosophical thinking stuff yesterday, recognising the patterns, thinking ‘hmm interesting’ about them and then guess who showed up?

Oh yes, the Shouty. Red in the face too.

Luckily, she showed up in my journal so there’s just a lot of effing and blinding in there and messy writing. But I let her out and once I had I burst into tears and sobbed my little heart out with hurt that was overflowing out of me for all the rejection I had done to myself.

Trying to welcome back the Shouty

She’s not shouty anymore but that’s how I know her. She is angry because she’s drawing boundaries because I’m hurting.

I see that now.

I see her as a little pink blobby thing sitting next to me at a bonfire. We’re just kinda gazing into the flames together and hopefully she’ll become a part of me soon. In the meantime I may offer her a marshmallow on a stick to toast.

I’m just practicing letting it be okay for her to be here.

Trying not to reject her by distracting myself from it or pushing it down or trying to figure it out, or fix it.

Just accepting that she’s here and a part of me.

It’s hard. I keep wanting to squirm away or reason away the feelings.

There’s a lot of hurt there and I’m worried it may overwhelm me and prevent me from getting on with my day to day.

I need my day to day. It pays my rent.

In the mean time my reasoning is thus:

I can’t prevent other people’s rejections of me. Most of the time those happen because of their shit.

I can prevent my own rejection of myself by being supremely, compassionately self accepting.

Shouty has a purpose and I no longer have temper tantrums. I am much more constructive with anger and far more accepting of it. As a grown up person I now see that it wasn’t the anger itself but how I expressed it that caused problems, and now c’mon, if this isn’t what Non Violent Communication is all about what is?

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