Waiting…

At the moment, when people ask me how I am, the best I can answer is, “I’m… okay.”

To be honest I’m not all the comfortable with that because well

  1. People then tend to ask why I’m not brilliantly happy.
  2. Then lecture me on why I should be happy
  3. Or give me tips or insights into the how, wherefores and whys of current events

It’s well intentioned but still! Give a girl a break.

Whatever is happening in my life right now and for whatever reasons they are happening I am finding it Hard to get out of bed in the morning and think, “Whoo Hoo! Here comes another day filled with me moving forward with purpose and love and … and… and.” Blech.

I do have a fantastic life in comparison to many. I am happy, have a job (for now), healthy, look the way I want (dare I say good?), have lovely friends and insanely loving family. So you’d think that when a crisis hits I’d be fine.

I am.

I am fine. No more. No less.

In truth I wake up thinking more along the lines of, “Wha??? Why? Ugh.” And that is normal. For me. Right now.

It is acceptable, even good.

Because I am not hiding in my bed contemplating how the world would be better off without me.

I am not obsessing about how things are my fault and how I need to change in order for someone to love me.

I am not dancing around in denial with a big grin stuck to my face, saying that by facing this with compassion everything will be great and lovely and the great plan will do its thing.

It might. Who knows?

I am facing this with compassion which means:

  1. Accepting that this is Hard For Me.
  2. Listening to the voice that says,

“I’m very nearly 28, divorced and still not fully trained at what I do. I’m getting too old for this shit. (Thank you Lethal Weapon for that line) In the last year I have tried everything I feel comfortable doing to find the Right Man for me and now I give up, because I am tired of being hurt. I am tired of all of this … this stress. I am tired of wondering what will happen to me when this job is over. I am tired of waking up every morning hoping that today’s the day that I’ll find out that Sunday before last did not happen. I don’t know if there is a man out there for me to love, who will want to love me back. Evidence suggests there is not. I know I’m supposed to believe I’m worth this love – right now I can’t. Right now it looks like I really, really don’t because all I have is myself… and the rest of my lovely life and now I should start feeling grateful and happy. And I can’t, because I’m just sad. I’ve just had to say goodbye to something I did not want to say good bye to and it’s okay to feel like this.”

  1. Not trying to silence that voice, even though it is a voice of pain and grief and is very uncomfortable to listen too. (And two very melodramatic words for emotion, if you ask me)
  2. Waiting… because time does its thing and life moves on regardless. Sometimes it’s just easier to surrender to the flow that to try and control it.
  3. I hope you weren’t expecting a point to this post…because if you were…. Oops.
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One Response

  1. How to comment without offering platitudes?

    Hard times are, well, hard. And the man-woman stuff is granite hard.

    Just put away the shoulds. Who gives a f*&% how you should feel. Sometimes it is just a time for sad and sad is the right thing.

    I hope you find a way to get to Oz for Christmas.

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