Surrendering and saying Goodbye

Phew yesterday was tough.

Emotional roller coaster.

Today is calmer, which is welcome relief.

Yesterday also brought epiphanies and revelations.

Like – Grief is normal when things end, regardless of the way forward you have chosen.

There is still an end, still something to let go of. There will still be sadness and confusion over this.

And that’s okay. Healthy even.

Also that hope can get in the way of surrender.

Hope can mask a fear of letting go, fear of what the future holds, fear of the unknown. Or perhaps it’s better called wishful thinking than hope.

Wishful thinking wants to control a situation – to make it so.

It looks for signs and signals, it day dreams and prays over and over, “Please, please make it so.”

It is a loss of knowledge of your own personal power as you futilely place the power for something to happen in an external source, on chance, on luck, on god, whatever.

It is the “but maybe” that keeps an anxious knot in your stomach as you desperately watch for the desired outcome to unfold.

Surrender on the other hand is the letting go of this.

It is recognizing the truth of the situation, the facts as they stand right now. With gentle grace.

It is saying, “Take this and make what you will of it – I relinquish trying to control the outcome. What will be, will be. I choose instead to retreat to heal.”

It is the reclaiming of your personal power as you realize how you can control the situation – by stepping back with grace and letting yourself heal, instead of holding on in hope.

Surrender is not one great big dramatic gesture. It is the constant letting go of the hundred things you remember and mourn for.

It is letting go of eyes smiling at you, it is letting go of a special gesture or the utterly mundane and yet infinitely precious. It is giving yourself the freedom to say good bye and to mourn.

I think wishful thinking tries to hold onto these things in order to protect you from the pain of mourning, whereas saying, “goodbye and go with grace” followed by a good bout of tears can often do so much more to heal the wound and soothe the space left behind by the departure of these things from your life.

Surrender is not easy.

Letting go is painful.

Can it be made less painful by not resisting it though?

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