Great Expectations

August, it is fair to say, is proving a bit of a struggle for me.

Week before last was difficult, filled with tension and angst and not knowing how to communicate some things that desperately needed communicating.

Last week was filled with more hard, intense vulnerability, quite a few tears, lots of confusion and a confidence crisis.

This week… is just hard.

Things have come to a head and I have to deal with them. It’s not easy, it’s not fun and I keep wanting to burst into tears at work. I maintain that it is very weird to burst into tears in an office full of burly manly men. Not to mention, not particularly professional.

Thank god I work with numbers is all I can say. Numbers are solid, factual and not emotional at all. Quite a tonic when your emotional world is all topsy turvy. I am steaming through my work! Misery makes for great focus it seems. (And it hasn’t got rid of my cynical sense of humour)

With all this chaos going on I’ve been looking for reasons why – who doesn’t.

Mostly I’ve come to the conclusion that this is just life, unfortunately. I’d prefer Hollywood personally but hey ho. Shitty things happen to good people because shitty things happen to everyone.

The good thing is that I’m surrounded, inundated it seems with people who love me and are being amazingly supportive and doing a supreme amount of listening. Friends and family – not enough can be said in praise of them.

In my searchings though, I came across an article in Cosmic Girl which informs me that Mars and Pluto are in opposition. Mars and Pluto – my two ruling signs, are in opposition. So the planet of action and the planet of all things hidden are currently battling it out in the skies. Great.

Insert Mercury doing his thing and we’ve got communication rubbish in the mix. So with Pluto being the “plumber of the universe” having it out, essentially unblocking shit (count on me to lower the tone) with Mars stirring things up and Mercury, well being Mercury I’m thinking – kinda figures.

I’m not sure I believe this stuff but it does go some way to explaining why right now standing centre stage in my life we have

THE GREAT FEAR OF BEING ALONE

Choking up my heart and causing general chaos with my reasoning and objectivity.

Actually, scratch that – it is more

THE GREAT EXPECTATION OF BEING ALONE

The expectation drives the fear, because I don’t want to expect to be alone.

A good friend said to me, “You put a lot of love out there, but maybe you don’t expect much back.”

I looked at that sentence and thought, “Oh hello, old childhood friend, the quiet need/ expectation/ fear that has shadowed me since I was seven, the quiet but deadly cloak of protection I draw around me. Hello, hello for the first time of recognition of who you truly are.”

So I look around me now with different eyes and heart not trying to close people out to protect myself and I realize just how much love there is in my world. In my sister, in my mum, in my dad, in my dear, dear friends who are so precious to me and even in these guys around me at work who are kindly and gently letting me be a bit of an emotional wreck, making me tea and making sure I eat some lunch – I realize they all mean so very much more to me that I gave credit for.

I am realizing that by letting myself care I can let it show, able to return the warmth and kindness demonstrated to me.

This is not so bad at all really – being able to open to people is something I’ve struggled with forever. Different, easier circumstances wouldn’t have gone amiss, but as change goes, this one is not so terrible after.

Perhaps it is not such a bad thing being ruled by Pluto after all…

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