The Day of Secret Overwhelm

Yesterday basically.

The day the rate of change and things happening in my life overwhelmed me, left me feeling like poo and didn’t tell me what was going on.

Bastard.

Never mind, I coped through all the feelings of angst and the invariable projection onto a thousand circumstances and people.

Okay… not a thousand but a lot. It’s artistic license okay, and yes, I have the audacity to call this rambling string of thoughts art.

So wah.

Then I sat down with my journal because I was bored of feeling pathetic and decided to listen to what’s going on inside and of course, I found that I was terrified.

“Of everything.” As I put it.

Oh.

A gentle reminder of how unsettling change can be, even if you really want it.

That when your gran dies, filling you with lots of sad and you’re contemplating moving jobs, homes and university, with deadlines coming at you left, right and centre, and you’re experiencing new relationships that yes, it can be overwhelming. And that’s okay.

A few tears and a lot of listening.

Feeling calmer, more listening.

Hearing, “I no longer want to go through life as if nothing is wrong and then hit a wall of overwhelm and scared feelings that are desperate to be heard. I want to be able to get by day by day, self aware enough to be aware of these feelings as and when they happen.

Asking, “How can this happen?”

Thinking, “Magic!

“I don’t really know, perhaps a process can come to me.”

Waking this morning, refusing to push the overwhelm away, instead letting it gently have permission to be there.

Giving myself permission to not have to be a super hero and be a human instead.

Reminding myself that nobody has the right to expect me to be perfect.

Remembering that I am entitled to my stuff.

Quietness…

Slowly out of it a thought that perhaps I could spend some time exploring my first, second and third chakras. Getting to know them. Not from a book, but in my special getting to know them conversational way.

Like the way I realised that, yes my throat chakra is about communication and how I come across in the world etc, etc but actually, my fifth chakra releases stuff for me. God knows what kind of stuff, but that’s what the throat glands and stiff necks are about – release, pure and simple and best left to its own devices.

Or that often something masquerading as a chest infection or asthma attack, is in fact a bunch of tears waiting to come out.

I propose a series…Conversations with my chakras.

Because I know you can’t wait to hear them!

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