August Catch Up

Good morning/ Good afternoon – whatever! Hello, in other words.

I think it’s time for a sum up generally on how life has been going, because I realize there’s not been much of that here for a while.

So thinking….

Apart from LOTS of rain, of course.

Things have been changeable since returning to work. Some good weeks, some bad weeks, some really horrid weeks and some weeks that should, by any account, be classed as horrendous and have passed relatively easily.

Ah perspective – ’tis a tricky fella.

Most significantly … they’ve been months of release.

The craniosacral therapy woo- woo thingymagummy stuff leads to lots of release. Or perhaps lots of release takes place because I’m ready to let go by the time an appointment comes by.

I like it so… because the release is gentle, relaxing and energizing. It is affirming and not the kind of release advocated by pushing through stuff or just dealing with stuff.

This is good- as- and- when- I’m- ready release.

I’ve been talking to the dominatrix and that has helped an awful lot.

Mostly because I’ve been using Havi’s magic fairy dust stuff to deal with what comes up.

She’s been teaching me about power and stuff like that. Asking me to trust in mine and allow it to be there. Asking me to be clear in my needs and not shy away from them.

It’s become clear how good I have become at not
listening to my needs and I’ve been gently working on stating my point of view on things where I normally wouldn’t.

I’ve been surprised at clear communication from my body when I touched my nicely swollen throat glands and absent mindedly asked, “What’s going on here then?”

To hear back “Nothing! We’re just releasing stuff, just give us time please” was profound. Even though I talk to my body all the time, it’s not normally so direct in feedback.

I’ve been to the doctor.

Because I decided it was silly and really not necessary to think I had to deal with getting to grips with ME by myself and all by myself.

It meant having to register with a new surgery which is a HASSLE because I work 70 miles away from where I live and the NHS allocates your doctor where you live not by what is convenient or suitable for you.

So days off and nurses appointments and general pain in the ass type stuff, but worth it because when I walked into my Doctor’s room (eventually) he was both understanding and thorough and agreed that we need to explore what’s going on some more to really work out what is going on in this body of mine.

Yay! I liked that. I felt listened to. Not dismissed and rushed out in the 10 minute slot available to me.

I became an Aunty, which is just phenomenal.

I generally feel scary amounts of love for my family and now I’ve got one other gorgeous person to feel fiercely in love with and that makes me happy.

Although becoming an aunty has brought up other stuff with our family. Hard ick. Don’t know how to deal with it ick.

Strong, overwhelming feelings which generally scare the bejaysus out of me.

On the other hand – lots of acceptance and allowing myself to feel this way. Not judging or telling myself how I should or shouldn’t be feeling and trusting that when it comes to dealing with this and finding a resolution that this will show itself and I’ll be able to resolve how I feel about what’s been going on without hurtful words or judgments.

Onto other things…

The half marathon training is not going so well. Mostly because I have been repeatedly hijacked by my body and I’ve been scared to push things.

I’m slowly gaining a different perspective on things as I realize that my fundamental base fitness needs maintenance before it can increase and so I’m working more on that.

I am worried that I won’t be fit enough to run and that will be a huge disappointment.

However, I’m hoping that my gentler, improved way of thinking may help me make improvements quicker than I’m imagining.

I’d like to be able to sustain a certain level of activity and avoid the peaks and troughs that I’ve been through recently.

Including being a Happy Hippy on a Construction Site

Work … is well, work. Some days it’s hugely rewarding and others just frustrating and boring.

Good stuff has happened, new contracts have been signed and some clarity on the way forward has been gained.

Some decisions are difficult to stand by and I’m learning that sometimes you just have to stand firm even when the world is shouting and balling around you. Hard though.

Mostly I just want to run away in those circumstances. Or join in.

And the Future

I’d like to have a clear way forward at the end of this job. Clarification on what the future holds would be most welcome right now.

I’d like to know how I will facilitate my move out of Wales, where I shall work and on what project, where I shall live and what effect that will have on my life right now, if I should sign up to this university or that or if I should take a year out.

Answers to these questions, normally so easily answered in the past, would be very welcome right now.

As ever, I imagine that the course of action which shall reveal itself will be based on what I want but until I clearly know what I want I guess it shall remain partially hidden showing itself as glimpses of potential.

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