I have a Dominatrix in my shoulder blades.

I learned the funny way that asking my body for specific feedback is not the most productive way to engage in dialogue with it. So last night I went about it in a whole other way.

The conversation wasn’t a new one, I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep but my mind was too busy and my body too tense. With my eyes closed and in a position I found comfortable (I’m no purist, I’ll meditate curled in a ball if I need to) I took all the busy fluff out my mind and put it into some imaginary pebbles which I then threw into a steam to be carried away.

Ahh, a little peace in my mind now. But my body! Ooof my body! Ouchies.

I’m beginning to see a correlation between bad days and stressiness/ anxiety/ worry. It’s background stuff, not specific – more like I’m holding on too tight.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to hold on that tightly.

Like cliff hanging or holding onto a lamp post when you’re being blown off the ground by a big gust of wind.

A couple of nights ago I was unraveling myself in a similar way when I turned my attention to my shoulder blades. Immediately I had a mental image of this ball of stuff all wrapped up so tightly together that it was near on impossible to unravel it.

It was like one of those elastic band balls but it had paper clips, pens, bit of paper- you name it -all wrapped up with it. I got the impression that man, this stuff has History.

Anyway I think I then fell asleep.

However, last night I brought my attention back to that ball of tension but it felt like a band of tension now. Across my shoulders round the front across my chest and up my neck. Stretching out my awareness I realize this tension flows like a tight sheet down my back too.

So I tried to send it into a stone. Because I do stuff like this.

It told me where to go, and that’s where the conversation started.

The Conversation

Me (In my head, obviously. I wouldn’t be so loony as to do this out loud): “Okaaay, so no stone?”

Big ball of tension (BBT): “NOPE! No way… no effing way” (Foul mouthed BBT to boot.)

Me, thinking to myself : “Ah crap, I really need to go to sleep. How bloody inconvenient that this won’t go into a bloody stone. I’ve got to talk to it now.”

Me, to the BBT: “So what’s up then?”

BBT: “Not much, this is what I do, this is where I live, what’s all the fuss about? Eff off and leave me alone – that would be nice.”

Me: “Well I kinda need to go to sleep and you’re keeping me up.”

BBT: “Meh.”

So I got thinking to myself about the BBT. I was thinking, “Hmmm, it’s a little odd at how much resistance the BBT had to going into a stone. It just would not budge. Seems pretty familiar to me this, seems to me like fear, and well we all know by now that fear likes to stick around to protect us. Generally it does this by being spiky and not so helpful.” Soooo…

Me: “Would you be worried about me trying to get rid of you by any chance? Worried about losing your purpose? I’m guessing you have a Very Important Job round these parts and I’m being a bit ignorant trying to send you into a stone?”

BBT: “Yes. That would be right.”

Me: “So, what do you do then?”

Suddenly the BBT transforms into this fierce woman, dressed like a dominatrix, whip snapping, hair scraped back. I tell you she is FIERCE. I’m kinda scared.

Fierce Woman (FW), glaring at me – no glowering at me: “You CAN NOT mess up. I hold on so that you don’t mess up. You always mess up. It is always your fault. You have to hold on so tight because of this. On no account, can you Mess Up.”

Goodness! FW really hates me. She holds me responsible for everything that happened to me as a kid. Everything that I’ve been trying to avoid since I grew up and decided it didn’t have to be that way anymore.

Suddenly the tension makes sense, the layers make sense and I realize why it is imperative that I do not send my Fierce Woman into a rock. Why I cannot.

to be continued…

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3 Responses

  1. Oh wow, the fear of messing up. That one is very familiar and I was not expecting your Fierce Woman to go there. I am so curious about the next post because I understand the purpose of the fear, but I also really, really, really don’t want to be afraid of messing up. It usually makes me mess up. Whew!

  2. […] I have a Dominatrix in my shoulder blades. […]

  3. […] been talking to the dominatrix and that has helped an awful lot. Mostly because I’ve been using Havi’s magic fairy […]

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