On Denial or Perfectionism or both.

I wanted to write this morning about perfectionism; however I find myself scuppered by lack of energy.

The past three or four weeks I’ve consistently felt as if I’m only firing on six cylinders instead of ten. To be fair – this is an improvement on the three out of ten I was feeling at the beginning of the year.

However, I am tired of feeling tired, especially when it is low grade, in the background, quietly obscuring your brain function tired but not “fall down dramatically so that everybody notices and empathizes” tired.

Because man! Denial.

Well, I’m good at it anyway.

I would love to for this to have been a period of exhaustion. Perhaps if I think it hard enough that’s what it’ll become.

There’s shame and there’s guilt.

I can’t keep up – it’s my fault. I have friends getting cross with me because I’m too tired to go out and I’m spoiling their plans.

Get better friends I hear you say? Well, that’s one option.

Or there’s the other way of looking at it – that I’ve been so good at pretending to myself that I’m all okay that I’ve convinced others that I’m all okay too.
I’m good enough at pushing through the tired that others don’t quite believe me when I say I can’t keep up. The evidence they see would suggest otherwise.

The evidence that people see is me back at work and coping. They see me getting active, back on my bike, trying to train for a half marathon.

Most of the time that’s what I see too and I tell myself, “This is just tired, it’s not sick.”

I am scared that accepting this illness/ affliction/ reality/ whatever means accepting limitations on my life.

It means judgment from others because they don’t understand. I am scared of that, especially when it is my closest friends because I need their support and understanding  most.

It means coping with the raging anger I feel inside when I consider the unfairness of it all – imposed limitation, disbelief, judgment, the randomness of this stupid effing illness.

Feeling so isolated.

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3 Responses

  1. You are absolutely right. Being tired sucks, as do pain, aging and other limitations. And the young, healthy and energetic have trouble even noticing, let along sympathizing, because deep down they can see that barring sudden, early death, they will suffer those things too.

    Lavish much kindness on yourself.

    You have my best wishes.

    Lynne

  2. @Lynne – I must say I’ve never thought about it like that. Having gone from being young, healthy and energetic to being just young I have just found it confusing mostly.

    I do most definately think that the illness is impossible to understand for most people unless they’ve had it or something similar and I particularly struggle to let people in to see how it is affecting me. Hence why most of the time everyone thinks I’m “fine” until all the wheels fall off!

    I shall take your advice though and lavish much kindness on myself! Who can refuse such a delicious suggestion? 🙂

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