Hunger for love

I wrote this last year and it’s been sitting in my “in draft” folder for a while.

Anyway, I decided to publish it because

  1. It’s a bloody amazing reminder just to me how far I’ve come in the last year. All through listening gently to myself and not judging it. It works people, it works and
  2. Well, you might feel like this right now on your journey through love and life. If you do, I send you the hugest hug ever and hopefully a little reassurance that there’s always room to heal.

Here goes:

I have a sadness on my heart. It’s been here for a few days and I’m wondering what to do with it. I’m aware of where the sadness is coming from and I feel utterly inept to deal with it. I’m inclined to curl up in bed and hope it goes away, except I know it won’t – it needs to be heard. 

I don’t know how to listen though and it scares me. The sadness is a little voice saying, “I don’t think I can be loved” and as I acknowledge it I dissolve into tears and grief for a little person who’s gone through all these years feeling like this and never being able to acknowledge it once. Even now, I can hear the voices of those around me clamouring to reassure me and tell me I’m being ridiculous and of course I’m loved deeply. 

However, the point is not whether or not the fear is true.

The point is that the fear exists and as such, has a hold over my life and my actions.

It has a hold over how I react to people, make friends, look for love, be in love, see myself and treat myself in situations where I am most vulnerable. If I listen to it and accept it without judgement (I don’t have to like it) then at least I can become aware of where it’s playing havoc with my life and choose to do things differently. 

 

By god though, it’s hard to do the accepting-it-without-judgement thing! 

I feel, I dunno…ummm, cracked open perhaps?

Things are very close to the surface and un-ignorable. This is good as I’m open to it and am learning, growing and changing.

 

It’s difficult too because I feel vulnerable and silly. 

Oh what to do with these little/ HUGE fears? They are there because we are so fragile and we don’t want to get hurt, but they in themselves hurt, often so much more than the circumstances they are there to protect us from. 

I want my little self to stop feeling so little and worthless and remember that she’s amazing, marvellous, magical and above all, loveable.

I want her to realise that one person’s rejection is not an indication of a lifetime of rejection to come and no indication what so ever of her worth, but how can I do this when she’s just lying on the ground sobbing with what feels like a broken heart?

How can I make her realise that her heart’s broken from a lifetime of feeling like this and that it’s just this one experience that has opened the door. 

I’m face to face with the child who experienced the confusion and shame of not knowing where or why she was left behind in that godforsaken awful school with no mommy or daddy to protect her.

I’m face to face with the child who didn’t know how to talk to other children or express how desperate she felt and so was alienated for her tantrums, and then later just because she was the one who was alienated to begin with, who then carried that shame and guilt and self blame around with her forever thinking herself broken and dysfunctional and unlovable. 

I don’t know what to do because this child is me and the shame has been such a huge part of me and now it’s here and I’m recognising it but I don’t know what to do with it.

 

It’s just here, like a huge blob of green slime, threatening to engulf me and I’m frightened that it might drown me. 

This is a dark place and it feels unacceptable. I cannot share this vulnerability with anyone because they will not want me to be here and they will try to make me change.

I’m powerless to this shame. The shame I feel over who I am

 

I don’t know what to do… 

Perhaps I can give it a hug and say to it, 

“Oh you poor poppet – what a horrible, horrible feeling. YUK. Come here and have a cuddle.” 

I accept and understand this feeling. It is just one part of me and it needs a cuddle right now; it needs acceptance, acknowledgement and a cwtch.

It needs gentleness and permission to come out into the light, even though it may seem blinding and very, very scary.

I’m going to be true to this little girl.

I’m going to accept her and listen to her and let her say how hurt she was and let her get it out her system. I’m going to be her friend and let her know she is safe now.

I am going to let her know she has all the time she needs to heal this. We don’t have to solve the big questions now. I just have to hold her hand and give her a cuddle. No rush.

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