Decisions, Decisions

I am betwixed and between this morning, having gone to bed asking myself to imagine having no fear when it came to romance and also my job.

Imagining no fear with regards to romance was no problem – I could imagine my heart being open to new beginnings, ready to experience the excitement and newness of it all without worrying that it’s all going to end shortly, happily trusting that love would be there to support me unconditionally. It did make me consider maybe letting my guard down a smidge.

Imagining no fear with regards to what I do every day – whole different story. Here’s my conundrum. I have always had something of an entrepreneurial spirit. I left school at 16 to begin my own business and I’ve had several shots at it with varying degrees of success.

Until I decided, for lots of reasons both logical and illogical, that it would be best if I just got a proper job and earned some money.

After all, that’s what people do isn’t it?

What’s more is that I really enjoy my job. It’s a great environment, better team than you could wish for, I get to argue with people and outsmart them if I can. I thought I had found a niche where I fitted. I was very sure of this.

But this year, there has been doubt. I’ve been feeling for a while that a change in my life in general is needed and so we’re thinking of moving – brilliant. But where, when, why, how? All these questions which need to be answered are still hovering about nudging me for attention. I can’t decide.

Then, of course, there’s been the six weeks I’ve had off slowly recovering my energy. Which has been more than enough time to think, more than enough time to realise that my creative spirit is feeling very stifled, very rejected and unloved.

Yesterday I got out my sewing machine and I took my sewing box off the shelf. I took out the dress that has been lying in that box cut, but not sewn, for four years and I started to make it. It’s a complicated process, there’s lots of hand stitching and some stuff I’ve not done before. It’s actually two dresses, once lace creation and one slip for underneath. I’ve really enjoyed bringing this gorgeous piece to life, but I couldn’t help noticing that when I took the box down my thought was, “Do I dare?”

Ask that about my life, about making changes and the answer right now is, “No I don’t.”

Once I was fearless and I believed in my dreams. Now I’m only conscious of making the rent. It makes me a little bit sad.


6 Responses

  1. That feeling of doubt is horrible, and learning to trust it can be worse… I wonder if I am being rubbish or whether there is a bit of my subsconscious that knows it’s not the right time yet. Usually it’s the latter – maybe it’s the same for you? Being gentle with myself is the only thing that has worked for me so far when I have felt this way that hasn’t ended in my getting ill or miserable.

    So good to hear about you sewing – that’s such an ace thing to do (I used to sew a lot and find it soothing).

  2. not sure if this is appropriate but what you’ve described sounds awfully familiar to me. i say that with the past tense in mind because things have changed, or rather the way i look at them has changed, and that has ended up putting a whole different spin on things. interested? read on. not interested? feel free to ignore or delete as you see fit.

    i have this theory that we go through life collecting ideas about ourselves. things like dreams for instance are often just an idea of what we think we’d like to be or do. so we march along, picking up these things as we go.

    at certain points in our lives, often at or around certain ages, we start to get a little ground down under our collected ideas of who we should or want to be. we’ve picked up too many things along the way and are starting to get worn out by lugging them around all the time.

    and so the time comes when we stop, have a mental sit-down and start reflecting on who we really are and who we really want to be. whether we know it or not we’re evaluating, and re-evaluating, those hopes dreams etc. we’re sorting through our preconceptions of our self ,, and it’s time to do a little spring cleaning.

    at times like this some stuff simply needs to be part of our lives, like making the rent. those base-level ‘reality bites’ things aren’t very glamorous they’re simply necessary .. and they kind of bum us out. i’m guessing you’re about there right now.

    the upside is: fear not! once you’ve done your mental house-cleaning, re-prioritized a little, dumped a few things that you can no longer bear dragging around you’ll be a much happier you. you might lose a little of the spring in your step — reality does after all bite sometimes — but your steps won’t be quite so random anymore either, and you may come to see that the dreams you’ve kept are the ones that really matter. so in the end it is generally a better place to be. that’s the theory anyway. 😉

    good luck, and don’t forget to pay the rent!

  3. Yay for getting the sowing machine out

    little steps, little steps

    i have found inner creative spirits to be happy with any safe little steps they can get

    mind you this is coming from someone currently caught up in writing a ph.d. in the field of economics (! not very creative).

    still i’d say i am getting plenty of creativity, making posters about my data work (my colleagues continue to be surprised by my approach), using colored post-its for my ideas whenever i can.

    creativity exists in many varieties

    “courage”, as the french say


  4. So you love what you’re doing and you’re also thinking that you might like a change. That’s what it sounds like to me. The good news is that you don’t necessarily have to choose between anything. What if there’s no decision to make?

    I imagine you’re familiar with Barbara Sher, eh? She’s got a book called “Refuse to Choose” and it’s specifically for people who have lots of interests in different things. Might be just what your heart/mind is looking for.

    I’m also reminded of something else that I learned from B. Sher a while back…which is that if you’re going to go shopping for a new outfit at the mall, do you first throw out all the other clothes in your closet?
    Of course not…you keep what you have and you start adding new things in.

    This was the advice she was giving to people who were asking about whether they should quit their job and just follow their passion instead. She’s basically stay stick with what is working and what’s supporting you and start adding in other things that meet your needs for creativity or adventure, etc.

    You’re right where you should be, chica. And getting out your sewing machine and the old 4-year project is awesome!

  5. “Once I was fearless and I believed in my dreams. Now I’m only conscious of making the rent. It makes me a little bit sad.”

    Oh….how this statement went right to my heart because I so feel the same thing… this very moment and for many of the past months..

    and yes…it is a little bit sad…this is the best part…not that you are sad or that I am…but that it is a little bit and not a lot of a bit…because those dreams are there…and your belief is only recovering…or vacationing…probably somewhere with mine.

    we can handle a little bit sad, can’t we….and fear will go on out soon….and the dreams …they will be back and even better….


  6. All these lovely comments – thank you.

    Well I’m back at work and loving it, which is a great relief. I’ve realised that we may need to make room for all of our dreams in our lives. It doesn’t have to be one or the other.

    The dress is taking form – slowly since I don’t have days on end at the moment. But it’s still a comfort to have the machine out and ready for when I want.

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