Between Resentment and Trust

Have you been told, time and time again, that respect is earned and not given freely?

I most certainly have and then I had it demonstrated most clearly to me by the society I lived in that it was a one way street.

In other words, I had to earn the respect, but I had to give it out unconditionally if you happened to be an adult, of any sort, even the despicable bullying, lying type of adult.

This is not my sob story of it; the sob story is far behind me now. This is my appraisal of the relationship between self, respect, trust and what the lack of creates.

When respect is not returned you feel very little.

For me, growing up being answerable to everyone and unable to question anyone led to me developing something of an inferiority complex.

I automatically assume respect for people, because of course that is my way, but don’t assume the same respect to be returned, again because this is my way.

Then I get frustrated when people don’t listen to me or treat me like a child.

The irony is quite amusing actually – the human psyche proving once again to be massively fallible.

What though, is respect without trust?

I’m coming to see that the respect I afford others is a childlike one and not a true respect.

In other words, I’ll try not to offend, I’ll be polite, I’ll not pry, but I do not trust. Once more this has something to do with the authority figures that were present during my childhood. You see, the adults I had to respect could not be trusted to act in a manner that necessarily gave much heed to the respect given to them.

When you respect someone, you trust that they know what they’re doing, that they can be trusted to act in a way so as to avoid hurt, to be adult and responsible for themselves.

Respect recognises that each of us is a divine human being.

With that recognition comes the trust that I so often miss out on.

I do not trust people to act like adults and to be responsible for their feelings and instead I find myself worrying that they are going to think such and such, or not do whatever, or do do whatever, which will put me in a bind and then I’ll have to sort out the problem again. I begin to act out of disrespect for them – resenting them, not wanting to talk to them, worrying and wanting to cringe away from the situation.

I’ll find myself sulking and sinking into a good ol’ blame cycle. Before long – BOOM – it all comes out after being bottled up how this is all their fault.

I’ve taken the story in my head and found reality in it, whether it really is there or not. I’ve disrespected and distrusted and so I’ve not seen the behaviour which is respectful or deserving of trust. I’ve only seen that which I have told myself to see.

Respect recognises that each of us is a divine human being.

Ah… that would include me wouldn’t it? …yeah… *looks at feet*

Could it be that it’s not all their fault? … I guess… *shuffles feet a little self consciously*

Could it be that the person I’m not really respecting and trusting is myself? …s’pose… *looks around at all the blank spaces, trying to see who’s being spoken to*

Could it be that if I detach slightly, I’ll realise that the story I’m telling myself about them and their whys is all in my mind and that if I remember to respect and trust them I
begin to feel calmer and more sure of myself? …c’mon, it can’t be that simple…

Oh but it is! …ah, bugger…

If I trust myself to act as an adult, to take responsibility for myself, to act in a way so as to avoid hurt, to know what I’m doing and why because I’ve taken care over my decision, well then – how can I doubt myself? I’ll make mistakes for sure, but you can be guaranteed that I’ll learn from them. I’m doing absolutely the very best I can, and that is all I ask of myself.

I’m only human after all – divinely human.

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