Exploring Love Part 3 – “Their shit? My shit?”

A while back, whilst writhing in emotional pain from a break up that I had absolutely not wanted to happen and blaming myself for the most of it (as is our want), I happened upon a revelation. I called this the “Their Shit/ My Shit” solution.

Basically it acts on the premise that pretty much everything
another person does that affects you is done because of their shit. Not yours.

It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

It. Is. Not. Your. Problem.

Obviously, sometimes is does cause a problem for you and that problem may be very much yours to sort out. But that person did not, for instance get angry because you’re a totally despicable person who deserves nothing less. They got angry because their shit was triggered by the situation.

For me realising that I had been broken up in a thoroughly confusing and hurtful set of circumstances happened because of his shit, rather than me being a total failure at anything resembling a relationship, brought an enormous amount peace to the tumult.

It allowed me step away from the blame game I was enjoying torturing myself with. It helped me realise I couldn’t have changed the outcome no matter what I had done and it allowed me to reassure myself that I had acted as I would have wanted to act.

Simples. Also very powerful.

Now, whenever I find myself in a paranoid spiral of self doubt and wondering if it’s all my fault I am able to just ask, “My shit or their shit?” Instant detachment. Lovely. Really rather compassionate all in all.

So I’ve been finding this a really powerful tool for dealing with my present stuff. I hadn’t really considered applying it to the past. You know, to heal all the hurt of the rejections I felt so keenly.

This is where it all becomes part of Exploring Love.

I’ve been doing these fantastical and amazing meditations where I’ve been able to feel myself as complete love. Gradually this has come to me being able to feel this whenever I just stop for a second to open my eyes then open my eyes again. I’m irrevocably hooked.

Whilst this has been going on two books have practically walked off the shelves of the bookstore and into my possession.

The first is called “The Gospel of the Second Coming” by Freke and Gandy. I bought it initially because it seemed like a pretty hilarious piss take of the New Testament; something that is always going to get my attention. Whilst it was hilarious, it was also filled with a whole bunch of stuff about feeling a part of the flow of love (which they call Gnosis) and realising you’re the universe and actually the author and the story. I was all, “Huh! Wasn’t expecting that. Cool. I been and done that all by myself – I’m quite cool.” Pat on back awarded.

Then my eye was caught by this tiny (and horribly expensive in my opinion anyway – don’t buy it from Borders, buy it from somewhere else for less) little book called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. This one was filled with a gazillion bits of things I knew already but needed reminding of, as well as some shit hot amazingness that I hadn’t considered before. I had many, many Ah HAH! moments reading it. Pretty impressive for such a little book I thought.

One of the things it reminded me of was that rejection (erm, my greatest fear probably) is all
their shit. Especially when that rejection happens when you’re a itty bitty chiddler. It doesn’t make the hurt go away, but it does do one helluva lot towards sending the guilty “It–was-all- my-fault-and-I’m-obviously-a-horrid-horrid-person-because-they-did-[insert appropriate action]-to-me-and-they-wouldn’t-have-done-it-if-it-that-wasn’t-so” feelings running away with their tails between their legs.

Shoo! Shoo! You nasty blame feelings. Come here little one and have a cuddle that will never go away. You see, it wasn’t your fault at all. Ever.

Being able to look at pretty much every painful memory I have and go, “oh yeah! Their shit.” has been one of the most healing and loving things I’ve ever achieved.

It allows you to step away from the blame and look at a situation with compassion. For yourself and for the other person, because once you stop taking it all personally, you can begin to see their needs acting out in the only way they know how.

NOTE: It’s not always possible to detach, sometimes it just feels too fricking personal. That’s cool. It is always cool to be feeling exactly what you’re feeling at the moment. The important thing is feeling safe to feel those feelings. Compassion, kindness and gentleness remain top of the list for dealing with any ick. Time, as ever, is bloody marvellous for providing any required hind sight.

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2 Responses

  1. […] This post was Twitted by EmApocalyptic – Real-url.org […]

  2. […] “I’d like to take this chance to apply my “my shit/ their shit” theory to things if you don’t mind, to see if we can see a way around things here. Do […]

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