Little Steps and Giant Leaps

You can count on the fact that if I have not posted for quite some time it’s because I’ve been needlessly diverted from the track of my very important day to day activities by a highly inconvenient assignment or exam of some sort. Honestly, what do people expect these days in return for a degree?

Since my last post, I’ve spent many weeks flat on my back, sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Some more hours spent reading, devouring books, even getting through two a day sometimes.

I am now on to Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy of five books (for the umpteenth time in my life) because I’ve run out of new material. It’s a tome that will always be welcome on my bookshelves, being one I can go back to time and time again to marvel at his comic genius and imagination. Needless to say, I think this might take me a little more than a day.

Of course there’s been the inevitable thinking, thinking, thinking. The endless back and forth of my mind between absolutely not believing the doctors, then feeling like a pile of poo and thinking that I’d have to accept the bad news eventually.

One night, I came home from the movies and found myself in my room in floods of tears. Truly the bottom had just fallen out of my world and I was looking bleakly at the limitations I felt imposed on my life entirely unfairly by some stupid sickness that gave no care in the world for who the hell it affected. Feeling as if who I was, who I’ve become was forgotten and I wanted my mummy, a LOT.

A funny thing happened – I got my mummy, as my mummy, for a whole weekend.

Due to a whole number of circumstances, be it distance, boarding school, a host of mis-communicated feelings, whatever, my mum and I have never had the chance to have a real, honest to goodness mother/ daughter relationship.

We’ve been discovering each other slowly for the last two years since she came to the UK and now for the first time that I can remember I was able to be a child in need of a parent.

I cannot tell of the relief of not needing to have to say, “I have a need” or of not having to meet that need myself, but to have that need intuited and met. I no longer felt the need to do it all by myself and I prepared to let someone in to help me even if, or perhaps especially since, it was my mum – the person best suited to letting in when you’re a child in need of a mum!

I drove down the motorway with tears streaming down my face and I heard a part of me shouting, “I need my family to help me remember who I am!”

By the time I drove in the opposite direction there were no more tears streaming down my face, simply a feeling of quiet joy at the amazing weekend we had both had. We shared so much that needed to be shared, we went back through time and cried when we needed to, hugged like we’d not let each other go when we needed to and we laughed, remembered and re-knitted a family that had become unravelled.

Most importantly though, when I woke up the next day back in my home I no longer felt as if I was sick, just very, very tired. My mind no longer accepted that I was broken, ill, and unable to heal.

I realised that all I needed was time, that it was my soul, my “self”, my whatever – the thing that makes me me, not my body that was tired.

I realised I deserved time. I remembered that the world would still be there when I woke up.

I’ve stepped out for a little bit, taken a sideways step to take in the view and let the other walkers on the path carry on their way without feeling a pressure to keep going.

I’ve been listening keenly to what I’ve got to say to myself. I’m surprised by how much love there is in that listening and the talking.

It’s amazing the healing that you can do when you give yourself permission to get better, when you realise that life doesn’t have to be done all on your own, even if that is how you have had to do it for the last ten years.

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One Response

  1. Secret Wormy – dear – that is a beautiful post! I’m sooo glad you got to spend such incredible time with your mum!!! How wonderful – you’ve made me smile!!!

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