Exploring Love Part 2 – The Greatest Impatience

In our lives we have a way of describing ourselves and then there’s the way we’re perceived.

It’s not often that you are made privy to the way others perceive you. It’s intriguing and often enlightening.

So when people describe me as endlessly patient and laid back it comes as a surprise to me. I see myself as the world’s most impatient person and a neurotic mess. In other words, the polar opposite!

It also makes me think.

And realise stuff.

That could or could not be relevant to me right now.

I realised that I am endlessly patient with everybody else except myself. The impatience I describe to myself is reserved solely for my pleasure. To myself I am endlessly impatient, expecting to be everything to everyone yesterday.

So…

I can love others but not myself.

I can be endlessly patient with others but not myself.

I am hugely open minded to other peoples’ stuff but very worried that mine will not meet with the same acceptance.

I teach others to relax, yet I remain tense.

Am I the only one who sees a pattern here? Thought not.

I ask you – what is it that you give to others but not yourself? It is said that we treat others the way we wish to be treated ourselves. Foolishly I have always thought that meant the way we wanted others to treat us, not the way we want to treat ourselves!

But I am not so foolish and I am quick to act when I see a truth surface.

Therefore I have given myself permission to take all the time I need to heal. Who cares if it takes 3 months, 6 months or 6 years? It only matters that I love myself.

I am beginning to look back to the parts of myself I rejected first and I am beginning to find strength in them, realising that these are the rough diamonds I cast aside thinking they were just stones.

I look beyond the fear of feeling these emotions and find underneath a strong core – a woman and a soul already in control, so there is no need to tense up around things in an effort to keep them under wraps.

I continue to meditate on this, realising that I am both a character in my story and the author. The universe is within me and without me.

WARNING: This is about to get surreal

 I realise this – I exist but I do not. 

Told ya – surreal and a little WTF? 

I am part of a flow that passes through me and is around me. It fills me because it passes through me in its flow. It fills me and it is me.

Of course this flow is love. It is the universe. It is me.

This is what I felt when I felt the love fill me up. I was all like, “Oh DOH! Of course there’s no big jobbie boss man up in the sky called “the universe” Tis I. That’s what all the I AM WHAT I AM nonsense was all about.”

What I did not realise as I did my love meditation (as I’ve come to refer to it) the other night and as I have continued to do it, was that I had somehow stumbled on something far deeper than I had ever imagined.

It makes me realise there are no mistakes, no rights, no wrongs, no meant to be’s or destiny.

Right here, right now is how it is and no more. It is as it should be. 

This is not about being in love it is about loving being.

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2 Responses

  1. This is exactly what I’m going through as well. Learning to love myself. The book, “Conscious Living” by Gay Hendricks is helping greatly with that… helping me to pull out those icky traits about myself that I avoid, and love them anyway. To see beyond them to my true essence. and then I woke from a nap yesterday with this thought: that everyone I encounter is an opportunity to experience/express/give/receive love. And that’s really my only purpose here.

    I love when things can be so simple! 🙂

  2. […] a rusher. I’ve written about this before. I find it challenging to give myself the space and time needed to just come back to […]

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