Exploring Love Part 1

Recently, I’ve begun to feel like a teenager again. This is apart from my excessive use of slang and words like awesome and cool! (yes, the exclamation mark has become part of the spelling).

All I can think about is love and romance. As two single women living in a house together, both of us looking (increasingly desperately) for a big love, it is becoming a topic of near constant conversation. I am reverting to 14, where I fall in love with movie stars (Why yes Mr Craig, I would love to see your hotel room) and fictional characters.

Since Love is my buzzword of the year, thoughts such as these grab my attention most effectively.

In which my body decides to do things thoroughly

Last week, the doctor diagnosed CFS/ ME as the explanation of the extreme inability to find any energy anywhere ever that I have been experiencing since last September.

So shit yeah? More like shit, fuck, bollocks! I make no apology for the appalling language used. I was really hoping I would be able to take a pill and just get better and carry on.

I HATE this diagnosis. It means I have to rethink and re-programme everything I do.


I’m not joking. It literally feels as if my whole way of being is being called in for a bit by bit audit. How I feed myself, sleeping habits, socialising, exercising, working, studying. I have to introduce loving care for myself into every single action I undertake.

Which is hard when your overlying/ overwhelming thought to everything you do is, “when is it time to go back to sleep?”

So I called a friend, who I knew had recovered from ME and now has a baby (i.e. the single most exhausting thing you can do on this planet).

The first thing she said to me was, “So you have ME? Well, the spiritual side to ME is that you don’t love yourself enough.”

I was a bit like – no shit Sherlock, this is not news to me.

She also had loads of very useful advice for me which I lapped up. It turns out though that her first statement went on to make more of an impression than I initially thought.

My theme this year is Love. Did I mention that?

The Universe or my Higher Self (hippy, hippy, hippy, hippy you scream and not just because I’m a classic pear shape) has a very ironic sense of humour.

Apparently I have to learn to love myself in order to get over this.

You see now, the reason for the “shit, fuck, bollocks!” statement earlier.

In which I meet Reiki and for the first time pay attention to it

Which could confuse you, because I’ve been doing Reiki for quite a while now and you know this.

So I can learn to love myself – no big deal. Hah!

I decided to give myself some Reiki the other night, because this helps me a lot.

This time, it was different. As ever, I drew my symbols, my hands in position. I centred and began. I started to pay attention to the energy, so I could feel what my body really needed and where it needed to go.


It was Love. The sweetest, most gentle, gorgeous love I have ever felt. It had lace and frills. It was so gentle.

My body hummed with this Love.

This Love I was feeling was safe and trustworthy. It was gentle, nurturing and caring.

I began to feel as if I was in love. Yes, actually as if I was in love with somebody.


I also started to realise several of the deep, fundamental truths I hold about Love and Romance. I realised this: Love = hurting.

Love is not a safe place for me. Not according to my experiences, both recent and past of it. Love is not the be all and end all of anything. Love is a state of vulnerability which invariably ends in heartache of some sort. I realised I do not want to fall in Love. Not if this is what Love is.

My Reiki experience began to teach me something different. If I could feel like this whilst in Love and to be part of a relationship where this was the base line then I would run to it with open arms and a big sloppy kiss.

Attempting to avoid Overwhelm

The point of all of this, is realising that I have some fundamental beliefs which I suspect have been getting in my way somewhat, an inherent belief that people do not want to give me love being one of them.

This is unsurprising really, since I don’t really want to give me love. Not if I’m truly honest about it.

I’ve come a very far way. Once upon a time I did not believe I was worth life, let alone love.

For many years I have dismissed my depression as something that was irrelevant because it is so common, so what was I making such a fuss about? I want to say this to myself – although depression is a widespread phenomenon, this doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant. Certainly not – it’s an illness that makes people kill themselves. It may mean that humankind on a whole is suffering from an epidemic of deepest self hate and we all have a heck of a lot of healing to do to go from hate to love, but common does not mean irrelevant.

It appears I now have another mirror/ magnifying glass showing me the way in the only way that I listen. I have another illness that I’m trying to dismiss as irrelevant, too common to have proper attention paid to it. Unless of course I remind myself that having my life stripped away from me is not irrelevant and I deserve to heal. I think this might just be another facet of my story.

So, despite my wailing and gnashing of teeth at the unfairness of having my life, my identity stripped away by this stupid sickness, underneath it all I welcome it as an opportunity to heal further and embrace a new way of thinking that truly trusts Love.

True Love. Gentle, trustworthy, nourishing, all encompassing and supportive in everything.

I’m just worried that I won’t be able to do it…






6 Responses

  1. This is very beautiful. I’ve struggled with self-love for a very long time, myself, so I really get where you’re coming from. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Awesome article! And not JUST because you used words like: shit, fuck and bollocks. Seriously, LOVED this – perfect timing for me to see this!! Thanks

  3. oooooooh, just saw that you’re on Twitter..am going to follow you!! yea!!

  4. Thanks so much for sharing!

    Indulge me while I blather on, please. If you take what you’re going through in another perspective,, what you are going through right now, is actually preparing you to be ready to accept that great Big Love (not just Romantic of course) that is just around the corner. And your Reiki practice is giving you a taste of what”s already inside you, and what’s its like to have that feeling all the damn time. 🙂

    Of course the road towards that is not going to be without its share of hard and rocky moments. If you ever feel the need to talk, to be listened to without judgement, or even just someone to be silent with, let me know, will ya? I honestly think you’re one of the coolest persons around. 🙂 Not to mention that you’re loads of funny, smart and kickassery!

    See you around on twitter!

  5. Thank you for sharing this. Your description of the Reiki session you gave yourself is beautiful.

    I can’t wait to read more about your Year of Love. Based on what I see here, I have no doubt you’ll be able to do it.

  6. I agree with Victoria. Your Reiki session opened the door for you to step through and be awash in the love that’s there waiting for you. It’s inside you, runs through you, and is simply there for you. You felt it, and you can continue to let it in.

    I encourage you to continue your self-Reiki practice and be mindfully open to love. You can do it, and it will transform you.

    I too struggle with self-love in many ways, and am inspired by you and those who tap into it through energy work and transformative experiences.

    Sending you more and more love and appreciation for your sharing this important post.

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