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So, it started in September – just after riding the Ty Hafan Taff Trail Challenge (which is a 50 mile bike ride and an achievement for anyone, not to mention that my team raised quite a bit of money) – it was like someone flipped a switch and my energy went *pop* and fizzled out to become something to be remembered fondly with nostalgia.

Since then I’ve been trying, I really have, to find my lost energy. I’ve been resting, I’ve not been doing as much, I’ve been worrying….lots.

I’ve had cold after cold after cold after cold. I spent time in bed, I dug deep, I did energy/emotion exercises (translate – I wrote about stuff when I had a sore throat) I’ve taken multivitamins and developed a strange addiction to lemon and honey toddies.

I’ve had other little things going wrong in my body too. Little sign posts popping up.

I went away for one lousy week and for one lousy week I did not have a cold. It was magnificent.

The day we got back – guess what? Yup, I came down with a cold.

Then I’m getting better right and the snot is drying up ever so slowly and I’m not hacking my lungs up all the time and it’s all good.

Oh guess what? Ah it doesn’t take a genius does it? (Yes, yes I know, I do turn to sarcasm when I’m feeling vulnerable).

But this time I’m knocked for six. Sunday I didn’t get up till about 3 and I’ve not really been able to get up since and I’m alarmed quite frankly.

 

Because I just don’t know what to do.

 

Last night when I was giving myself some Reiki to go to sleep I decided to do a bit of a meditation and send light through my whole body. It was all going well until I reached my kidneys and liver. I figured this area needed a little bit of attention since I am so exhausted and my adrenals have probably been doing overtime.

 

Then… darkness.

 

Black, treacley, icky darkness. The light would go round it but not into it.

 

What the hell is that?

I feel like a complete and utter failure at my inability to drum up the energy for one single activity other than lying in my bed.

It seems as if everything, every single thing I do, requires a forced effort to do. Even stuff I Love doing.

My body, one of my most powerful allies, appears to have switched sides and I don’t have a clue what to do about it or even why it’s happened. If there even is a reason.

It’s taken a lot to admit this to myself but I am so scared. I just want to find that switch again.

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6 Responses

  1. *Hugs* I can send Reiki if you need more!

    J xx

  2. Oh Wormy, I’m so sorry to hear all of this. Many gentle, loving hugs and healing thoughts to you and whatever’s sucking the energy from you right now. Oh, and a warm blanket and some of my best whisky for toddies. 🙂

  3. I’m intrigued by the ‘went away for a week, didn’t have a cold for a week’. Is there something about where you are that is ‘toxic’ to you?

    Also, along with a warm hug blanket, here’s one of those annoying thoughts. What if you didn’t resist this? What if you accepted it for what it has to offer?

  4. @Joely & @ Diane – thank you both so much for the lovely hugs, blankeys and whisky (yum), not to mention offers of Reiki. They are most welcome and appreciated.

    @James – I know, I know, I know! 🙂 I have thought about the going away thing, but I suspect it was more my stubborn resistance to having a cold and doubling up on my multivit for the entire time I was way.

    There are aspects of being here that are certainly not what I want at the moment, but I’m here and I need to be (for the time being at least) so I guess I just have to find a way to work around them or with them, until they either begin to work for me or go away.

    With regards to accepting this – I have this image in my mind of my body evil laughing at me going, “Resistance is futile bwahahahah!” Because it really is. But surrendering to this is what’s so scary because I’m going to have to find a way to face all those what-if thoughts and still feel safe and still feel grounded and still feel like me. Mostly I suspect that it’ll turn me into a pile of goo. I’m not so keen on goo – it’s gooey. *sigh*

    I’ll get there though, this is just a process and I’m just hellava grateful that I’ve got loads of wonderful people supporting me.

  5. […] cannot explain, for instance, why during my first session my therapist put her hand under my liver and I started immediately to feel anxious and then spent the next two weeks releasing a huge amount […]

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