Random mood today: Completely unimpressed by life, the universe and everything and inclined to feeling grumpy, cynical and nonplussed.

Mostly I’m just exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

The last few weeks have been pretty mental physically, but mostly my fed-up-mess ness feels like I am just bloody sick of trying.

The Thing is with Trying is that It’s a LOT like Should.

Trying to meet this perfect someone, trying to be funny, trying to be deep and meaningful, trying to be kind, trying to be everywhere at once, trying to do a million things in a finite amount of time. You get the picture. So mostly I’m fed up of this and today I just felt like saying STOP. So I did. I stopped and it feels bloody marvellous.

Feeling Undeserving

This is a pretty random post. Anyway I wanted to talk about feeling undeserving. My lovely friends Joely and Sarah have been talking about this stuff for weeks, so I’m just catching up. (Actually, I’ve been busy writing about some other stuff, mostly to do with self acceptance but hey ho.)

Sooooo… what’s this all about? Well, on Saturday, I bought myself a lovely Sony a200. I’ve wanted a digital SLR cameral for ages and so I figured, well, why not like buy one duh?

I’m about to go on a fantastic snowboarding holiday in Austria.

I’ve spoiled myself a bit lately buying lovely clothes that are both technical and very lovely.

Okay, so I’ve been giving myself nice stuff.

I’m panicking.

There’s a voice inside me that’s shouting, jumping up and down and threatening to have a temper tantrum. So I’m like, “okay well, let’s have it then. Whaddya have to say?”

Voice: You CAN’T spend this on yourself!

Me: But I just did…

Voice: It’s all going to run out. You’re being stupid. PANIC

Me: Seriously? You’ve looked at the bank balance. You know it’s there. I’m going to be paid, got a surprise bursary (thank you Universe) etc etc.

Voice: Yeah but still.

Me: So what’s this really about? Are you scared?

Voice (in a little voice): yeah…. I’m scared that someone’s going to come along and tell me I don’t deserve it. That, if things go wrong and you have to sort them out, that you’ll hate me and tell me it’s all my fault. These things have never really been available to me before, I’m just worried that I don’t deserve them???

I also had a conversation with my sister today about needing a holiday and I realised that I haven’t been able to slow down, be lazy, look after myself, get spoiled, look after myself because I’m not sure I deserve it. I struggle to say no to my friends and be clear to them about what I need because I’m not sure I deserve to have that time to myself and that they’ll support me on that.

Jeez, it’s just like happiness. What’s with us and our mindsets telling us we’re not worth shit? I think this might be a work in progress, but mostly I’ve just settled with reassuring my little voice that I think it is worth it, even potential financial disaster. Besides, I get to play – with a new camera. Yippee! Remember what I said about giving my fear more of a chance to be creative? Well this is it.

Another Voice
Okay, I have to be honest here: what comes hand in hand with being desperate for approval (and who isn’t) is the feeling of wanting to shout out, “NOTICE ME! I’M HERE, I WANT YOU TO SEE ME AND THINK I’M COOL TOO.”

You know when your friends are all having a really cool conversation and you feel left out? So you try to compensate by being whatever it is you think you have to be in order to grab their attention. Really, it leaves me feeling just a little prostituted.

Today, when I caught myself feeling like this I decided to maybe just recognise myself. It made a difference.

I think my point is this: It really does seem possible to give myself what I need; just by noticing what it is that I need. Like…. DOH.

Last bit…. promise

Where I admit to still being in love with my ex. Yup the one who had me all screwed up in October. The one who blew in and out of my life in a couple of months. Still in my mind/ heart, taking it all up. And that’s cool. Seriously it is, because he was a good guy, I got on brilliantly with him, we had loads in common, we never shut up together, we could play, in fact, he basically ticked most of the boxes. Except he was really young and a bit bloody stupid. (That’s my opinion and I’m sticking to it J)

The other day, I decided to stop shoulding on myself that I should meet someone and that he should be Mr Right for me. Maybe I shouldn’t … Maybe where I am right now is okay and pretty perfect for me right now. Especially since, you know, I’ve still got feeling for my ex and stuff…

Anyway, it takes a shed load of the pressure off.

End of Randomness… Promise.


4 Responses

  1. This is really interesting. I’m going to write a post today about how all this deserving, worthiness and self-acceptance is the same thing.

    There’s no real difference. This is about love, and the ways we don’t love ourselves. All denial, all sense of not deserving, all this talking to ourselves about what we can and can’t have, or be, is all about how much we have separated ourselves and don’t love.

    This is my theory, anyway!

  2. I completely agree. They’re all just wearing different hats and sometimes some bling. But it’s so much bigger than just realising it.

    Walking the walk appears to require application of this self love principle for just about every single thought I have! 🙂

  3. Reading this left me feeling a teensy bit lighter around my chest.

    Even if I don’t consciously meditate on these kinds of feelings in myself, the moment of recognition when reading someone else’s text counts as being aware of them, right?

    Thank you for writing this. So many things to pay attention to and be unimpressed by. 🙂

  4. @insightings – oh absolutely. The moments of recognition happen so often with me when reading other people’s posts and they spark off other stuff in me, and so the growth continues. It’s all good.

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