Journaltastic

I had the most AMAZING experience last night. Allow me to elaborate…

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been feeling kinda kvetchy lately, all mucked up and tizzwazzy about things and it has been bugging me hugely. I have been feeling yucky about myself, my body, my life (oh, that is everything!)

What has this got to do with anything then Wormy – huh? HUH? HUH?

Well…. last night I was getting undressed and I looked in the mirror; saw my l’il naked body and thought, “UGH.” So I asked myself, “Why ugh, l’il Wormy?” and the response was, “It’s a failure.”

Hmmmmmm…. Serious journaling time called for me thinks.

Well what did you find then L’il Wormy?

After quite a lot of writing – some pretty darn interesting stuff let me tell you.

  1. Rather than digging deeper into the whys and wherefores of my body feeling like a failure, I decided instead to look below that and see the fear, and comfort it. It didn’t matter why it was there or what its purpose was. I decided that all that mattered was that it was there and it needed comforting with something other than food. I wrote some very loving thoughts to it and that is when it emerged:
  2. My fear is a little child. Me, to be precise, aged approximately 5-6 years old. I have long hair and a penchant for bows, being pretty and girly and very, very creative. All my fear wants is to be totally accepted unconditionally, trusted and recognised as a valid voice in my life. Instead of shining a glaring light on my fear every time it pops up and tearing it to pieces as I try to get to the bottom of what is holding me back right now, I realised my fear wants comfort, love and safety.
  3. My fear wants a safe haven of love. So I gave her one. A place to blossom and grow – not as fear, but into the voice inside that will provide a safe and trustworthy steer in times of need. This safe place has a tree in it…and a wendy house with a big garden. My little girl creates magic in this garden and plays and plays and plays all day. She has a big box of paints and as many canvasses as she desires. Plus makeup, pretty girly makeup.
  4. My fear needs to paint more. Oh yes, I do in fact create wonderful great big swirly paintings, full of colour, life and energy. Sometimes. Then I tell myself they’re crap. I have also spent my whole life very loudly telling myself that there is absolutely no point in doing anything creative because it will get me nowhere. It is worth noting that I am also an incredible seamstress (I made my sister’s wedding dress and veil for heaven’s sake), a poet and many other creative people all rolled into one. I refuse to accept my creativity into me, feeling sure that it will lead to disappointment and failure (there’s that word again). I need to accept my creativity into me – with absolutely no judgement or expectation, wanting it to only be a part of me which is fully loved and appreciated as such.
  5. My fear is lonely. As a child of that age, from what I can remember, I was pretty isolated out on the farm without kids of my own age to play with regularly. The little girl inside me wants friends. Last night I gave her some, a little girl named Molly and a little boy named Peter. She has short, dark curly hair and he has blonde hair in a pudding bowl hairstyle. I do not know why they’re called Molly and Peter; I don’t really care either to be honest. I do know that my little girl inside immediately felt loved and happy when these two little friends showed up to spend time with her all day in her garden. They keep her company and play happily alongside her, dabbling away in the finger paint.

Has anyone else ever been compelled to give their fear playmates, a wendy house, trees and a garden? I’m not belittling it, far from it as this feels like a really powerful thing for me to do, but this feels pretty unique and I’m wondering if it really is?

So you are saying that your fear is loveable?!

Yup! Let me tell you, when I saw that little girl all I knew is that she wanted, needed and deserved a mommy and a hug. She was tiny and so vulnerable. She wanted to be able to talk and be listened to. She wanted to be accepted wholeheartedly as herself.

As fear.

This is not my inner child. This is my inner voice of rejections, insecurity and loneliness. This is my fear of failure, my need and yearning to be heard. This is every want and need I have ever had and not dared to express for fear of failure or doom. This was a powerful message that these things want, need and deserve to be acknowledged and accepted into my life with love and no conditions. Simply as part of me.

They do not need solving or resolving, unpicking, getting to the bottom of – none of this. In fact, they are likely to shrink from the light and cringe under a rock.

They need love and acceptance and this is something that I can do, that I can give. This is something that I am very good at and it makes me very happy to know this. It is fair to say that I am very excited.

Oh Happy Day J

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10 Responses

  1. This is a fantastic post – really insightful and useful to all of us dealing with fear.

  2. Thank you. 🙂

  3. In a world of people who stomp on and suppress their fears, you are unique and remarkable. In my (particularly lovely) world where people interact with their fears consciously and patiently, you are ALSO unique and remarkable. Though probably not the only one who has given her fears a swing set …

    I love that you found the tools (writing, painting, sewing, saying, playing, asking) that you needed in the moment you needed to know they were there.

    And I love that Molly and Peter showed up.

    And I especially love that you don’t really care who they are or where they come from and are just letting them all play and do their thing.

    As always I could not be happier to have discovered you … and find it completely relaxing and inspiring to be around you no matter what’s going on for you.

  4. @Havi – oh gosh. I just got all teary and choked up. Thank you, that was pretty much the best comment I could ever imagine.

    Now I’m going to go off to a quiet corner and enjoy the sensation that this lovely amazing comment has brought up. 🙂

    Thank you.

  5. sweetly, painfully, reassuringly BRILLIANT 🙂

  6. As someone who has a piece of your big swirly full of life art work on my wall that makes me smile whenever I walk into my flat I can quite catagorically state that you are the most uncrapiest (have I just made up a new word!!) person in the world – FACT……. I know that that doesn’t help in getting you to believe what a great bird you are, but I just thought you should know!!!!!

  7. @Kathy – I loves ya. You see- that’s the reason you get to be one of the lucky ones who has a piece of the Wormy madness on her wall.

  8. […] disaster. Besides, I get to play – with a new camera. Yippee! Remember what I said about giving my fear more of a chance to be creative? Well this is […]

  9. […] “Yup. I do. I’m quite cool that way. Remember how I gave another part of my fear a wendy house? See? So I was wondering if we could think about a different way to protect me maybe? How about … […]

  10. […] to the idea of Self Acceptance. I have conversations with Dominatrix ladies in my shoulder blades, I give my fear a wendy house to play in. I have bizarre methods but they work for […]

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