Oi! You big Sissy – Buck UP and start ignoring these feelings

In a flash of insight this morning whilst engaging in a little internal dialogue I realised I’m scared. What of? Of everything.

To avoid the scared-ness I achieve, get busy, do things, any things.

If I sit with it I feel dragged down and overwhelmed by it. I am so scared that I am not *enough* of anything. Really – anything. Not noticeable, not memorable, not worth remembering, listening to, considering, loving. Put me up for comparison with anyone and I like to shrink away from it completely because I know that there is no way that someone would choose me over the person I’m being compared with.

I don’t even feel sad as I type this. Just a relief at noticing it. This way at least I know why I’ve been wanting comfort of every sort lately, comfort food, comfort bed, avoidance.

We tend to run away from these sorts of feelings – they’re terrible aren’t they? People say to us in comfort – How can you say that, it’s just not true? Oh sweetie, you’re wonderful, don’t fill your head with thoughts like these. Well, I love you – that’s one person, so there have to be more, and so on.

The thing is – we do feel like this. It doesn’t make us bad people, weak people. It doesn’t make it true.

The feelings are still there, needing to be acknowledged and given their say, no matter how ugly and unacceptable they seem.

When I was busy making peace with my body and food a few years ago I journalled madly every time I ate anything, letting the feelings out. It worked really well, I healed remarkably quickly, lost the weight I had put on and stopped feeling guilty about eating anything and everything.

These days I tend to forget that I’ve made a lot of progress over the years and that feelings will come back to visit me, so when I find myself comfort eating I try not to panic, but really I do, suspecting at the back of my mind that I’m in for a relapse, unwanted weight gain and loss of identity.

When I stand up for myself and make a decision or take an action that is truly for me, even though I may be disappointing another, I tell myself it’s all very good progress. Whilst at the back of my mind, being stuffed down with food, is the fear that I’ve made a mistake and that I’m wrong. That I’ve ruined my chances for ever because that was my one chance and I’ll only ever get one chance because that’s all I deserve.

Actually the fear is that I don’t deserve to find love at all because I’m so rubbish.

Going deeper and really giving this time I hear an answer which is ” because nobody loves me.”

What I mean by this statement is – because I haven’t found my prince, my true love, my one and only, sweep me off my feet man. I note I am blaming myself for this. It’s obviously because I’m abhorrent that I haven’t found this guy. Of course.

I don’t even know where to go with this, I’m just surprised to find out that I blame myself entirely for not being loved by all and sundry and most especially for not having found myself a suitable man to love.

My word this year is Love, so I guess it’s good to get to the bottom of underlying beliefs that may get in the way. I feel like I’m back in the person I was all those years ago, feeling pretty hopeless, knowing only that this needs to be realised and acknowledged.


5 Responses

  1. I understand this, from so many different perspectives!

  2. Shitting Hell Mate – we always laugh so much when we speak – but you’ve just made me cry!!!!!

  3. @Kathy – passes a tissue, (and gloats slightly at being able to make Jugs cry.) Not in a nasty way I hasten to add, but because this means this writing really hit something cos you is hard as nails normally.

  4. Wow, Wormy, thanks for the post! You’ve affirmed so much of what i’ve been thinking, experiencing and feeling regarding acknowledging my negative or positive thoughts and feelings. It is a strong fear of mind too, that I’m not really loveable or that I don’t deserve to be loved. Thanks for expressing your vulnerabilities, as i’m working on getting more comfortable with expressing my own…your lead helps.

  5. @Al – I really hear what you’re saying about the strong fear of mind. It has really helped me to simply acknowledge these feelings, my judgements of them and then accept them completely, without judgement. It helps me to step away and somehow, that objectivity lets the fear go.

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