Vulnerability + Intense Scrutiny = Heightened Sensitivity.

I never noticed how much I struggle to express myself until I wrote about it at length in a desperate bid to rid myself of a sore throat.

I’m exhausted tonight, from a combination of extremely heightened sensitivity, too much alcohol and lack of sleep, and as per usual when I’m exhausted, I’m feeling rawer (I did not know that was even a word – but apparently it is) than the entire stock of a butcher’s counter.

Starting with the heightened sensitivity

After I had my heart all trampled on and broken in October (I am in drama queen mode) I started writing openly about wanting to find someone who, well, basically wouldn’t do that to me when I went and fell in love with them. In doing so, I’ve been learning lessons by the bagful about loving myself, accepting myself, being safe with my feelings and, of course, recently – feeling safe expressing myself. All of which have been wonderful to learn because they’ve been gentle lessons, rather than the normal run-me-over-with-a-tank lessons I am so fond of learning.

I wasn’t expecting to be asked out by someone so soon after putting my stuff out there and I wasn’t expecting the ensuant onslaught of vulnerability dredged up from the murky waters of my Self. (Having referred to the chaotic workings of my mind and emotions as “Self” my Cheese Rating has now shot off into orbit.) Furthermore, said person who asked me out is also from work and my work colleagues, god love ’em, are essentially children with a new toy in the playground when it comes to gossip. Never believe anyone who wants to tell you that women are overly fond of gossip, because once you’ve seen grown men reacting to gossip fodder with the glee and idiocy expressed by my boys, you’ll realise that it is in fact men who are the gossip mongers of this world, or perhaps just my world. Knowing that I would have the piss taken out of me in glorious fashion when it came to light that we were dating, and feeling vulnerable about the whole thing, I was naturally reluctant to let on that we’d been seeing each other. So when I was invited to the contractor’s (aka “THE ENEMY”) black tie dinner dance fancy posh do thingamagumy and it came to light that I was going, all merry hell broke loose and I endured a day of endless fishing for information and embarrassing father-like treatment. I’d like to point out that my actual father was never that embarrassing, and all efforts to clean his shot gun on the living room floor when I was bringing gentlemen friends home pale in comparison.

I feel like a very interesting bacterium under a microscope with a whole roomful of scientists pushing and shoving to have a look. It is not nice.

It makes me want to squirm.

Not because I’m embarrassed to be there (I’m not, I’m delighted) but because it’s my private business and I’d like to conduct it as such. I.e. without a bunch of nosey bastards making smart assed comments every twenty minutes and feeling smug about it. I do not feel strongly about this, no.

Vulnerability + Intense Scrutiny = Heightened Sensitivity.

Too much alcohol and lack of sleep

This is due to the aforementioned dinner dance fancy posh do thingamagumy and I shall waste no further time boring you with details.

So actually on to the point of this post perhaps?

I’m feeling all raw; emotionally and physically hung over and sensitive for it. I think it’s making me paranoid. I’m sitting with all these paranoid buttons pushing themselves. I’m going to try and express them.

  1. I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right at home and I’m feeling very unapproved of. This is difficult for me to sit with because my people pleasing tendencies are strong (like an ox) within me. This is due to a conversation I had last week where it turned out that just by being myself I managed to upset someone very close to me. I apologised for the part I played in it, but now feel like it is all my fault and am struggling to keep perspective over the Your shit – My shit issues. Especially because my shit is now being triggered and I feel like I’m being told off for everything. I rather suspect this is because I feel like this is how I deserve to be treated rather than because it’s the truth. I want to start throwing accusations around now, because that would just be easier. None the less, I think I need to give this whole thing a little more attention than I’ve been able to recently. Until then, I’m giving myself permission to feel like a paranoid wreck whilst trying to not act like one and go into full people pleasing please-desperately-like-me mode.
  2. I’m also scared that if I move forward with this relationship (the dating one, not the friendship one above) I will be asked to give up my identity. Again, I recognise this as my fear rather than the truth of the matter. I don’t actually think this will happen because my sense of identity has grown so much stronger recently and I’m very clear on my wants and priorities. But STILL…
  3. All mixed up. Like a smoothie in a blender before it becomes a smoothie and after it is chunks of yummy fruit in a blender jug. In transition. Facing change. Is there anyone out there who actually likes change? I mean really likes it rather than just accepting that good stuff comes out of it too.

Oh look – there’s no point to this post. It’s mostly about me feeling all paranoid and that being a big thing because I’m excessively tired. How exciting. I’m also into self deprecation when I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

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3 Responses

  1. I haven’t written a post with a point in 10 years of writing online. Welcome to the club. I thought this was a great post – really honest and raw.

    I have a book recommendation for you. Have you heard of Byron Katie? She’s fab. “I Need Your Love” is just perfect. I adore it. Have read it many times. She’s like Havi if Havi wore blankets and was over 60. You can also find her at http://www.thework.com where lots of her stuff is free.

    I think I like change. I must like it, because it spends a lot of time round here.

  2. I’ll vouch for that book as well. Joely suggested it to me too, and even though I’m not done with it yet, It’s already started to help with some of the stuff i am dealing with.

  3. @toasterferret and @Joley – I shall have a look 🙂 I’ve got one of her books – “Loving what is” that I haven’t read but have had for years. I think I’ll start there.

    Change spends an awful lot of time about me too. I know I start to feel a little lost if something isn’t changing in my life. I still don’t like it like a friend though. More like a well known and tolerated relative, who is really a pain in the ass that you put up with because you have to. 😀

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