The other side of stuck

Inspired by the responses to my stuck I began to have a good think about it. Okay… I was ceaselessly “having a good think” about it anyway, but the comments helped with a different angle.

It occurred to me that I could be guilty of being too protective of myself. You know; when you’re so worried about something happening you end up shutting out any experience so that you can stay where you are, in a known space. It may not be the place you want, it may not be making you happy, but it is known and therefore safer than the unknown.

The end of my last relationship left me incredibly hurt and shook up. The beginning of it though was magic. I was so open to that person, so happy to share myself and to have that reciprocated. It was easy to fall in love and it felt heady, magical and very, very precious. So the ending, when it came, abruptly and in a most confused manner was, frankly, bloody awful.

Not surprising then that I’m anxious to not feel that way again.

However, I do want to feel the way I felt at the beginning again. That was marvelous. It follows then, that I’m going to need to be that open again.

Perhaps not that open. But more open to experiences than I have been recently.

I’m quite pleased with myself actually over the way I’m handling myself with this whole new dating experience. I am being careful to ensure that I listen to the scared voice inside and I am happy to give myself permission to feel whatever I need to feel around it. At the same time, I am conscious that I want to move forward and to do so I need to take a risk.

So I’m taking the risk when I’m absolutely sure I’ve listened to all the issues around my feelings. Then I sort out the ones that are relevant and have some sense, identify the ones that are pure panic and decide how I’m going to move forward whilst protecting my boundaries. So far so good.

Then when I got into work this morning… somehow my lovely colleagues (whom I normally adore BTW) had found out that I had been asked out to the “enemy’s” (aka the contractor) dinner dance and who had asked me. They moved in for the kill. I’m still fighting though…. They shall not best me – no sir!

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3 Responses

  1. I know what you mean. My last relationship was the same story. Amazing at the start, then probably one of the most painful breakups imaginable. The one I am involved in now is great, but I can’t help but feel afraid of being hurt that badly again.

  2. @toasterferret. I totally get where you’re coming from. Its really rather challenging. But I am realising this – I am an adrenaline junkie. I take big risks physically and I take them emotionally. Generally the reward is immense. But the falls, when they happen can also hurt like hell. It’s the price you pay for the risk you take. Unfortunately…

  3. This is me! This is me! I have to stay in the safe place and not go out into the scary place!

    And I love that last line. I imagine you with a sword and a shield, going into battle.

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