Clamming up even from my Blogedy blog blog blog.

I’ve been avoiding my blog since I posted the Old Year Edition. Many, many posts have been whirling about my head like a twister on speed, but I have been avoiding. I go to blog and then shut down going, “ugh no, not tonight.” Actually, that’s not true, I just have to think about posting and, “ugh no, not tonight.”

“But WHY?” I whine, “Thees ees so straaange (please read with fake French accent of Inspector Clouseau in mind) my blog… eet ees my frrriend. Vhy do I not vhant to be vith it? To converrse and have deep and intimate conversations? Eet ees a mystery, ees eet not?”

Y’know, that probably sounds so much funnier in my head…

Anyway, I have been a Good Girl. I gave myself time, I gave myself space and I let myself not want to write. Until tonight – tonight, for as much of a mysterious reason that I did not want to write, I now want to write. I don’t know what about, so I’m starting with not wanting to write. Meh, you can go read some other interesting post now like this one, or this one, or this one (ah there are so many but I am *enough* of inserting hyperlinks). We’re settling down for some serious nonsense and only the diehard nonsense fans will make it to the end.

I’ll start at the beginning. My word for the year – LOVE. Yikes! I chose such a big one, but it was just there, BING when I asked myself what my word would be. Love in its entire embodiment. Based on this, I’m in for a fantastic journey this year methinks.

Then what else, oh yes, I want to get very fit this year. Not just fit, because I am that, but very fit. I’m not mad and I’m not doing this because I think I should. It’s because I am passionately addicted to climbing and mountain biking. I intend to become passionately addicted to kayaking too (as long as they don’t keep postponing my course humpfff) and snowboarding. In order to do these things and not want to collapse in a big heap at the end I need to be fit, supple, bendy, flexy, stretchy and strong. And so I shall be, because oh boy, oh boy, I’m gonna be having some fun this year. I might also become a little more skilled in each of these arenas which will be good, as currently I’m shit, and no, I’m not being modest – I genuinely am crapolla. So I’m already enrolled in the Astanga yoga class we’d planned on last year, I’m badgering them lovelies at work about Squish on Wednesdays and I have promised myself at least one good cross country bike trail a week. In between I shall be climbing on Thursdays and hitting the gym. Wheeeeee! I am so excited…. I am so weird. Who gets this psyched about exercise? Then again, Broccoli is also my favourite vegetable. Or is it spinach? Either way – YUM. I’d also love to get one of these, but am unsure if I’d actually use it enough to warrant the expenditure of so much money. So I shall think upon it for a while, not to mention the Dance of Shiva starter kit, which looks amazing, a little scary and a bit more expensive too than my student budget can afford just yet. Perhaps my Plan (below) could help finance it….hmmm (goes off now to plot plans in the corner).

Then there’s the very brain filling question/ fuzzy idea that’s been buzzing about my head for a while about integrating the various aspects of my life better. I mentioned it briefly when I pondered about whether I could be a Happy Hippy and a Quantity Surveyor. Most of my life I’ve felt at distinct separation in myself between being creative/ intuitive/ sensitive and being a science boff/ wannabe vet/ empress of the universe. I am very good at both, but I can’t choose which I would like to excel at, and now feel that I’ve ended up fair to middling, in the middle, being plain jane average. BLEUGH. I am doing myself a disservice and I’d like to change that. But *how* 

When I’m being creative etc I block out the science boff, when I’m ruling the universe I block out the sensitive. I’ve been given these wonderful healing gifts, which I do nothing with. I have this amazing brain that I’m training well, but I’m blocking out all my creativity. Well, my solution is this – I intend to start massaging and reiki-ing it on up again, but only for those close to me, to help them come home to their bodies, whilst at the same time making sure I’m connecting with my body and my Self fully. This time I shall walk my walk, instead of trying to turn it into a super successful business. At the same time, I will ensure that this fits in with my hobbies, my studies and my work. I know it’s not genius, but it feels pretty special to me to give myself permission to be both these things.

What’s this all got to do with the LOVE word?

Self Love = Self Acceptance. Letting myself be who-I-really-am and hopefully, also meeting someone to love. I think the self acceptance bit is essential to the loving someone bit. It helps you separate your shit from their shit when it gets all complicated and stuff, the way relationships do. I learned so much about myself in 2008. I made huge brave decisions. I survived and flourished personally. I took risks with my heart and got burned and I hurt like hell, but I stand in front of the mirror these days far more self assured and accepting than before those events took place. This is BIG stuff for me and I want to make damned sure that I cherish it and treat myself with the respect and love and acceptance that I deserve. That means knowing what’s fun for me and going for it, knowing that all parts of me need to be expressed and being open to love, because I am loveable goshdarnit and goshdarnit I want to love. I don’t think I have ever looked forward to a year so much.

Happy New Year andthankgoodnessit’shere!

 

PS: apparently this is “my” font – YIKES! Am I really this dizzy making? Whoomph.

 

 

 

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2 Responses

  1. Hey! About sometimes feeling sciency and sometimes feeling creative-y. I used to get a bit riled up because I’d feel sciency, then I’d find I felt creative. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I think I get it, sometimes I’m lost. It’s called Being A Complex Person, and it’s totally OK. In fact, it rocks. So you’re complex – enjoy it!

  2. A complex person – well I am that. Complex rocks whey hey! I’m only just beginning to learn this. Y’know… 27 yrs of being on this earth, only just beginning to get self acceptance

    Complex indeed!

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