The Personal Ad that isn’t one

In my post that wasn’t really a post, but rather a post about possible posts (and breatheJ) I mentioned possibly writing a personal ad, for the person I wanted to be with. However, every time I think about it I hit a block of some sort or another. To be honest, it is beginning to piss me off already. I mean, c’mon, I am now single for a reason – I wanted to find the right person for me. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to make a relationship work because it just wasn’t going to.

So you would kinda think – after all, it is rather logical – that I would be up for this whole “putting it out there for the universe thingy” wouldn’t you?

Apparently not, as I’ve found myself thinking, “I did this already and it didn’t work” or…

“You know this break up I had a few months back, how awful I felt yadda yadda, and you know, because of how much I liked that person, who, to my great surprise and in spite of a number of factors, did actually seem to fit the bill yadda yadda – well he turned up in my life didn’t he? HE DIDN’T STICK AROUND DID HE??!!” (numpty…)(Him, not me that is.J)

So why ON EARTH, would I want to put myself through that again? Those hurt feelings – well… they weren’t fun at all. I’d go so far as to say they sucked immensely. I couldn’t eat for goodness sakes – although I’m still uncertain if that was to do with the feelings or with the gastroenteritis that was doing the rounds at work. Yup – I’d reckon that pretty much explains the reluctance.

I am pretty very shit scared of being hurt again.

Of meeting a fantastic person again and opening up hugely and then it turns out I’m not quite good enough. To ever be spoken to again.

Of the confusion that follows, knowing my feelings were reciprocated, so how the hell was I not good enough?

Of the confidence destruction and the slow, incredibly slow, inch by miniscule inch creeping back to feeling normal again.

Of walking into a room, situation, talking to someone, hearing something, doing something and thinking “Person!” and then thinking, “oh yeah, person’s not in my life anymore.”

It really, really sucks.

BUT…

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t care about the arguments defining the benefits of being alone – I have been alone for long enough. I want to meet someone; the right someone.

AND…

I am impatient. *ironic grin*

So the other day I asked myself for permission to move on and forwards, then today when I was driving along I realised *Bing! Showers of glitter!* that a lot of what I thought was stuff still hanging around about missing the aforementioned person and all the great stuff we got up to, was actually memories of stuff that happens at the beginning of every new relationship – it always feels strong and amazing. It ended before that new stuff had died away, so I’m left with a bunch of fantastic memories and then some really crappy ones of the stupid confused ending. Of course that’s going to make it hard to put aside. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean that I’m never going to feel that way again, or that I missed out on something that was a once and only chance. Big whooomph of air out, big “oooh I get it” squirmy feelings of delight inside accompanied by the light bulb grin. I wanted to clap my hands together and do a little dance (it has been bothering me quite a bit this) but I didn’t, because I was driving and I didn’t want to be on the evening news for the wrong reasons. And the right reasons to be on the evening news are, you ask? World’s hugest purple hat perhaps? Or getting a goat to make a cup of tea properly maybe?

Next problem/ sumptuous dilemma…the right person for me – who could he be? That is a big question, because if you’re going to be putting out requests to the universe, you’d best do it properly.

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6 Responses

  1. Major insight. Hurray. And I think there is also a tendency to keep looking to the future and not appreciating the present. So when in a relationship, we worry about where it is going and then don’t fully enjoy where it is. Worth thinking about. Might reduce the stress on the relationship once you meet that person (who is out there).

  2. @JoVE – that’s a really good point, and one I hadn’t thought about. You’re right – it can create a lot a stress on the relationship. Seeing it written down makes it seem very obvious but it had absolutely not occured to me before. Thank you 🙂 Thank you also for the reassurance that there is a special someone out there. I needed that.

  3. Ackkkk!
    Been there! Oh my gosh. After the emotionally abusive jerk who calls himself a man left me two years ago, I did not even know what do with myself.
    I hid underneath a blanket mostly. And walked, all the time. Everywhere. I used to disappear for hours at a time.
    I became convinced that no one would ever want to be with me because I’m chronically ill.
    I made myself a personal ad of what I wanted. It was HUGE. I mean it was like, a page and a half of stuff. And I agonized over this list, and compared every guy I met to it, and none of them ever fit.
    One day, I got so angry at the male population, I stopped caring. And decided that I was going to be alone forever, and never marry or anything, and so THERE! Take that!
    Two weeks later, my current boy friend popped into my life. That was over 2 years ago, and even during our bad times, I’ve never been happier.
    There is someone out there for you, just waiting to pop out and make your life magical. The universe just likes to spring it on you when you’re not looking. (It took me a month to realize I’d fallen in love.)
    And yay for all of your big yummy realizations! They’re so true, and even gave me a bit of “Duh!” moment 🙂

  4. Yup – previous list was veeeeeerrrrrry long. Everyone tells me I’m way too fussy. I don’t think so, of course, as I see nothing wrong in wanting to meet an equal! Who can connect emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally with me. I remain determined in my search… 😀 These last two days I’ve taken the chance to do some meditating and I’m feeling a whole lot more grounded about stuff- without it Idon’t think I would have done the whole “well hello Ms Anger” thing. It’s coming… the time is nearly right for me to ponder my sumptuous dilemma.

  5. […] Difficult Questions… Posted on December 29, 2008 by Wormy Following on from my personal ad that wasn’t, I have some questions in my mind/ heart that are bugging […]

  6. […] a little while ago now I wrote a personal ad that wasn’t one and created a sumptuous dilemma for me to ponder upon, whereby I got to choose my right man. So my […]

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