Process

Quietly today I have been realising how much I question if I am loveable. This seems daft as I write this. But, let me quiet the voice of the Sgt Major shouting at me to do whatever it is it wants me to stop doing and truly listen, then I hear that recent experiences have shaken me up somewhat. (Um… durr)

My divorce, even though it was my choice, made me feel like an utter failure at relationships. Here was the one that was supposed to last forever. Here was the person I thought I would be with forever. The person who I made very powerful promises to and there I was walking away from it all because I could no longer keep those promises. I wanted more than what our relationship had become and it was for this reason I left. But it doesn’t stop the voice of doubt niggling away, saying, “It was you who failed at this. It was you who couldn’t love properly. It was you who chose wrongly. It is you who is broken in some way.” And when that other person moves on and you realise that your ego was hanging on to knowing that they, at least, had feelings for you and somehow, in some incredibly screwed up way, that bolstered you up and now that’s not there – what is?

In asking, I become aware that deep down inside there is the love that I need. I need to find a way to access it though. Perhaps a conversation:

Sgt Major – “It was you who failed at this. It was you who couldn’t love properly. It was you who chose wrongly. It is you who is broken in some way.”

Me – “Yeah? BITE ME”

Hmmm – this is going to be a productive one. Trying again:

Sgt Major – “It was you who failed at this. It was you who couldn’t love properly. It was you who chose wrongly. It is you who is broken in some way.”

Me – “So by choosing a course that I knew to be the right one for me, I am now afraid of rejection because of failure. Because someone couldn’t love me the way I wanted?”

SM – “Yeah. And what do you mean “because someone couldn’t love me the way I wanted” you can’t say stuff like that. It’s fundamentally wrong. I’m not sure why, I’m just sure that no truly evolved person would need
someone to love them.”

Me – “Oh shucks… I don’t really know how to deal with this. I want a hug L

I kinda realise that I’m really, really loveable. I kinda get that I’m a great person, but something inside is still afraid to truly believe that. I’m afraid that recent experience gives me no right to feel like this. I’m afraid of letting my light shine, to get grossly cheesy. And I’m holding that little light really close at the moment, protecting it from being hurt, afraid that if I love, hope and trust again then I’ll just get hurt again. Finding it hard to believe that the one that will last for a goodly while (at least) actually does exist. (Sgt Major won’t let me believe in forever – says that’s a load of cr*p and I should stop being a child. *sigh* hate the Sgt Major.)

But… this is actually a positive post! Because this is a conversation with myself that I’ve been scared of having. I’ve been scared to admit how I feel, and now I have I can begin to get in touch with the part of me behind the fear. As the year draws in I’m feeling myself slow down emotionally and begin to process all that’s happened this year. In amongst the break up, the moves, the falling in love again, the next break up, the new job, starting back at uni- gasp – take a breath!- slowly, I’m confident I’ll be able to stop protecting myself from the potential hurt that love can wreak. I’ve begun to find my feet and be able to trust in who I am. It’s BIG baby! It’s gooood.

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One Response

  1. I heart Wormy. You are most definitely loveable. I can tell.

    My duck and I are enjoying eavesdropping on your conversations with the Sgt Major.

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