Magic in my mind…

Oh where to start? I have much on my mind. Like:

  1. I did it! It only took a day of aching all over and feeling run over by a bulldozer, but I did it! I flaked out of something to spend some time taking care of myself! Wow (even though I’m still feeling a little guilty about it, and still have the Sgt Major trying to shout commands at me – “Martina isn’t aching all over tonight, Ragu’s out there climbing away and not aching all over – what’s wrong with you???” Me – “Meh, shut up. This is a niiiiice bath with bubbles and music and loveliness and now I won’t be sick on the weekend and I can have a wicked party on Saturday night. So Wah!” Grown up I know, but then I am very mature.)
  2. I’m kinda lonely out here. I wish for friends – who get in touch with me first. This little admission makes me feel right out there and exposed, for one gazillion reasons.
  3. Choose your life MondaysJennifer Louden’s new *thing* on her blog. It’s really cool. This week I chose to notice when I was trying to hurry away from myself and then breathe and relax my shoulders… Okay, so I didn’t realise just how much I was going to notice. I discovered that I pretty much spend my entire time in a great big hurry away from myself. And my shoulders round my ears! Hah.
  4. In the wishing for more friends, realising that I could be more friendly and approachable. Realising how scary that is for me – I am cripplingly shy and hate having to open up. I go very, very slowly with friends and feel petrified to open up to them. And no, I’m not exaggerating – I am in fact, exceptionally brave, because in spite of this I have found incredible friends whom I trust implicitly. But still – ? – what to do with the quivering ball of snot and scaredness inside with regards to making a move towards new friends…
  5. Yay! for learning how to meet myself where I am
    (goodness it took me ages to choose which of Havi’s posts I was going to use there, because they’re all genius – seriously, read her blog) because in one month I’ve gone from snot and tears and feeling awful and like it was never going to go away, to feeling that I think I’m moving on. That used to take me at least a year, if not two… In letting myself feel what’s come up, listening and just letting it be there (goes with the not running away from myself) I’ve discovered all sorts of really cool stuff about myself. Like I think I might be a nice person…, like I’ve got a really soft heart and how that’s amazing, granted I’ve spent most of my life fighting it rather than protecting it, but that can change now. Like – wow! I might find myself liking who I am and feeling… ahem, wait for it, perfect use of Havi vocab… biggified. And then back to being gentle as another layer of missing that stupid boy comes up again. Fuck I hate losing friends.
  6. And tonight, in that lovely bath with bubbles, looking at my poor bruised knees and my shark bite and bear bite and host of other more minor scars picked up over the summer and wondering why I am beating myself up (literally) to keep up with a pace that is too fast for me. Somehow, I am going to have to come up with a way to do these insane things that fill me with adrenalin and glee and not beat myself up. This basically means getting good at them; which takes time; which – AAARGH. Time? I don’t have time. Oh bollocks, I wish I could do everything, at once, now!
  7. Stopping my blog importing to facebook. Weird I know, because I want people to read this, but still not comfortable knowing that people I sort of know are reading this. Oh it’s a bit messed up and crazy. Like – friends – fine, Strangers – fine, Sort of strangers – whoa there! Anyway, I think it relates back to the whole blogging being able to make you feel vulnerable thing and whilst I’m working on it, I’m just not comfortable with really personal posts being on facebook – because facebook’s just not personal. My blog page is. Oh it’s weird – I’m sure you’ll get over it though.

Anyway, that’s about it really. Not much to say, because I’m tired. But happy – deep down happy – happier with myself than I think I’ve ever been, and I suspect this feeling will only go from strength to strength because, in my gut, it feels as if I’m on a Good path here. Oh! And Edward Monkton – makes me laugh and think and believe all at once – but mostly laugh cos his art is delightful. Check it ooouuuuut.



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