Neighbourhood Terrorists!!

I tell you what – George Bush and Gordon Brown are after the wrong people. Troops should immediately be withdrawn from Afghanistan and Iraq, taken off standby for imminent invasion of Iran and deployed to Number 11 Meiros Close, Llanharan. Because by god those people are F*CKING NUTS!!! And absolutely not in a good way. Jeez I thought old dudes were supposed to be short on energy and high on having lived life and therefore in possession of a shred of perspective. No way José!

Last night, approximately 9:30pm (I’ve said before, it’s the details that count), Martina and I got back from university and as we’re pulling into the drive the headlights pick up something unusual on our doorstep. Curious and a little cautious we exit the vehicle and discover a pile of cat’s digestive by-product and a laminated note saying,

Cat Owners Beware!!!!

Your Cats continue to use my front garden as a toilet facility. We are fed up of clearing up their mess, so here it is for you to clean up. Everytime they use it in the future I will bring it across to you to get rid of, perhaps then you will realise how inconvenient it is for those of us who don’t own pets to clean up after other peoples.”

%$*&£$%*&%*$£%!!!! WTF???

Perhaps I should post a note back saying, “I have now given George and Stout a stern talking to and they apologize most sincerely for this behaviour. Had I been aware of it before hand I would have let them know on no uncertain terms that they are NOT TO DO THIS. They will not use your front garden as a “toilet facility” in future (but am assuming your back garden is still kosher?) Also I’m just wondering if you’re aware that you should have put a full stop after ….across to you to get rid of. Perhaps…. and that it should be other people’s not other peoples, oh yeah, and it’s every time not everytime? Dimwits.”

Not only can they not drive/park/converse politely with a fraction of normality, but they also can’t write. Good god! If you’re going to write a rude note to go with your harassing and insane behaviour at least take the time to ensure your grammar, spelling and sentence construction are correct. At least use spell check…. please.

Martina’s suggestion was to put a plaque on their lawn saying, “POLITE NOTICE – could all neighbourhood cats refrain from using this front garden as a “toilet facility” with immediate effect. The occupiers find it very inconvenient. Thank you for your co-operation.”

Because cats can read…

And I have control of where my cats go to the loo…

And I’m going to win the lottery even though I haven’t bought a ticket….

And there’s a god…

Bloody nutters.


I called the police…. heh heh heh.


3 Responses

  1. Dear Neighbour,
    With regard to the defecation. May I just say that following an incident down the pub, Ginger and Tabby of Poets Way said they were going to make trouble for little George and Stout. I believe that little George and Stout are being framed for crimes they did not commit. If the harassment continues I will have no alternaive but to call the A-Team (Obviously without Hannibal because he’s dead).
    Kind Regards
    George and Stout’s Relative (Twice Removed)

  2. @ George and Stout’s relative (twice removed) – had no idea there was a neighbourhood cat mafia. My mind rests easy now that I know George and Stout have their back covered. PS Can I have Mr T’s autograph when the A-Team come to the rescue?

    Thank you

  3. Dear Wormy,
    The cat mafia are a secret organisation. Ginger and Tabby are small time in the cat mafia. The
    mogfather orders them to carry out his plan.
    Luckily, the A-team help any body (cats are people too) with a problem (as long as you can find them).
    I’m sorry but Mr Who? The A-Team are B.A. Baracus, The Face and Howling Mad Murdoch, (Hannibal is dead, as previously mentioned. Had a nasty accident whilst watching Coronation Street, but his family don’t like talking about it). I can try to get their autodraphs for you (as long as I can find them).
    Together we can bring the cat mafia to justice once and for all, and ensure George and Stout’s safety forever!!!!
    As ever
    George and Stout’s Relative (Twice Removed)

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