No idea what the hell this one’s called

No idea about much really… wondering, in fact, if that’s the whole point? Wasn’t it Confucius or someone (Socrates even???) who said something about only knowing they know nothing?

Ah, who cares? I might be a bit tired and rambling!!!

I had a fantastic day today. I really enjoy the people I work with; they’re good fun and they’re good at what they do. I feel I can truly stretch myself there and go ahead and climb and reach for new experiences. Then I get to the end of the day and I find myself feeling rubbish and wonder what it’s all about. How much of this is my creation? How much of this is just life? Am I just a self obsessed spoiled brat who can’t do anything but think that stuff’s not good enough?

I’m pretty upset with my mum tonight because I feel like her stuff has gotten in the way of us being a family together – for just one night. And then I feel that I’m not being fair in my assessment. In actuality I know I’m not. Given her circs in my life I would probably do the same thing – i.e. think of myself first and that’s the way it should be. But it doesn’t stop me being disappointed and it doesn’t stop me from wanting her to be a different person right now and for this weekend to go ahead as planned. Because I love her loads and I was really looking forward to seeing her and I’m disappointed that I won’t, so that’s why I’m upset. It’s frustrating.

It’s all frustrating. The whole Tom thing, the Mum thing, all of it. I’m not in control. It sucks. I’m supposed to be able to move on – I can’t. I’m stuck in this hurt and this vulnerability and feeling like it’s all going wrong for me at the moment. It’s not – it’s going fantastically. I’m having wonderful relationships with my friends, being able to depend on them as I’ve never let myself before. I’m having a great time at work, enjoying looking at stuff for myself and going for it. University is…. there! What more could I ask for? But it seems my vision is narrowed down to this one thing and that’s all I can see. All that I can focus on is this one rejection and how much it has hurt me. That doesn’t seem right to me – and I’m sure it’s not. In my head right now I hear myself thinking1 that it should be easy, now that I can see that I’m just focusing in on this one thing then I should be able zoom out and refocus – on the bigger picture. On the loveliness that is my actual, exceptionally fortunate reality. See this situation for the small blip that it is. In my heart…there’s a big yawp. Whatever that is – it just is.

A. Big. Yawp.

Caused by I dunno what. A big monumental shift, of something inside caused by something pretty insignificant, and I’m waiting to come out the other side like I know I will, cos I always does.

Waiting…. and waiting… and waiting…

I did manage to walk around Tesco’s yesterday thinking charming thoughts about myself (Thank you Kathy – I did indeed walk very straight) and would recommend this method to anyone.

I did just have a little epiphany whilst writing this about how I’m all focused in on this one thing and how I need to back off and look at the bigger picture.

I did just realise that thinking about all the stuff that’s good in my life is far more enjoyable than thinking, “ugh I feel rubbish” and thought it might be worthwhile to focus on that stuff more instead so here’s a try:

  • Here’s to my wonderful Mum, for being brave and true to herself, even though I know it was scary for her and that she knew I’d be upset.
  • To Kath – for being fantastic and talking to me for AGES last night and telling me to remember I’m gorgeous all the way round the supermarket.
  • Marti – for being the bestest housemate ever. No, I’m not being too sugar sweet – she is fantastic.
  • George and Stout – they give me cuddles all the time, especially when I’m feeling rotten.
  • And my work, because it’s just a fantastic place where I can be myself.
  • Last but not least…. my bike – cos it’s a beautiful thing of wonder!!! Lol (and I can’t work the pedals properly still!!!)
  • Blogs too, cos they can be pinky purple…

Yeah okay… you get my drift J But I do feel better – yay!

BTW – Socrates also said, “Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” Seems not much changes eh? J

1 On an aside, do you really hear yourself thinking? Or do you think your thinking? How do you realise what’s going on in your head? Anyway it seems like my voice to me…

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